Personally, for me it’s the idea that just because you don’t experience something (dysphoria, or being a gender other than what society expects of you) that doesn’t mean those experiences aren’t valid.
I get sooo tired of the response “I just don’t understand! I love being my AGAB! Why can’t you just get over it?”
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I wish they understood that they don’t have to understand to accept.
I wish people could do this with any personal choice. It’s like empathy’s backfiring, they’re trying to put themselves in my shoes and utterly failing, but they don’t know how to deal with that.
Yeah, exactly. The would be allies so often try and empathise, but when they can’t, they don’t know how to proceed
My coming outs are particularly unsatisfactory because of this and then the askings going with that…
Wtf for real.
I’m not here to teach them, what the hell. I’m just making an announcement. “Embrasse it or open fight me”. But don’t try to “understand”.
We are not beasts in a zoo with panels for you in our brain.
😂
Beautifully put. Thanks for sharing your insights :)
As a cis male, I wish other cis folk would realize that my nail polish and the fact that I like shows that would normally be geared towards women doesn’t mean I am secretly trans, or closeted gay man.
I really wish people in general would stop labeling anyone but themselves as eggs or making similar assumptions.
Some people just want to be happy, and it really shouldn’t be such a big ask to not stomp all over that.
Crowley: What has he said that made everyone so upset?
Aziraphale : Be kind to each other.
Crowley : Oh yeah. That’ll do it.
I just want to comment that I’m currently listening to the Good Omens OST while scrolling lemmy. I recently started (and finished) the two seasons that are out and quite enjoyed them.
The intro does have a certain whimsical madness to it that I enjoy. I need to go rewatch season one, then watch season 2
My wife just forced me to watch it with her. Season two was filler, I didn’t care for it. Supposedly it was too setup season 3, so I’ll Wait and see how it ends up.
That being trans is personal and that I don’t owe them an explanation for them to be supportive. I hate that most cis people only support us after we invest many hours of explaining what being trans is like. Why can’t they support us unconditionally?
Real answer: that everyone is entitled to bodily autonomy, and being autistic or bipolar or having whatever other neurodivergence doesn’t mean someone can’t also be trans.
Pet peeve answer: that cis is not an acronym and shouldn’t be capitalized.
The Commonwealth of Independent States might have begged to differ if they were still around.
I wish they’d listen to our voices instead of infantalize or demonize us. We’re just people, not all bad, not all good, just like everybody else. Just happen to be trans.
CISDad here: That there are as many genders as people. That a person’s expression of gender is their own and isn’t for us to police.
I’m sorry the dipshits are sapping your energy. I hope you find more supportive spaces.
Thanks for your input! :)
Honestly, I wish they’d understand that negative experiences happen occasionally and that it doesn’t invalidate or override the positives of transition. I sometimes feel like I have to present a manicured facade.
Good point. It puts us in a position where our identities are invalidated unless we “put on a show” to somehow convince the world we’ve never experienced a bad day since our egg crack.
“Oh, you’re having a bad day? Must be because you’re not actually trans.” -_-
What gender is. Most cis people don’t think about it at all, they just live theirs. They don’t even know it’s a free variable.
I wish I understood what gender is :P
At least you know better than most what it’s not! I’d rather know I don’t know than falsely believe I know.
Oooh, easy one I can snap up real quick ;P
Being trans has nothing to do with sexual orientation (meaning, which sexes/genders/whatever a person is “interested” in)! “Why would you want to be a woman if you’re still attracted to women?” Begone with that “want to” crap but also this whole thing about sex, gender, and orientation all being a single thing with exactly two options is irritating. Basically, “this is about my own identity, not some game I’m playing to fit into your world. If I lived your way I wouldn’t be trans, now would I?”
On that note, the idea that we’re trying to play tricks on people is a particularly offensive one. That one can also go directly into the bin.
I will play to trick them, if thats an fear of them.
I mean they’re ass, why I shouldn’t ?
Speaking about the offensive one in your last paragraph
I don’t think cis people understand the joy of finally embodying the correct gender. Maybe they do, but they don’t have the comparative experience. I feel a little sorry for them that they won’t ever experience it, and I think they’d be more understanding of us if they did.
Fwiw, we can have that moment of completion (for lack of a better phrase). But it’s usually not after as long period of incongruity, and that does make comparison difficult.
As an example, a lot of young cis people have to discover what being their gender really means, how they are going to fit themselves into their gender. It’s definitely not as broad an experience as what I’ve seen and heard from trans people, but it is certainly a similarity to use for finding understanding.
Because we don’t have that sort of impossible to self realize barrier that trans people have, I don’t think the sense of completion will ever feel as powerful, and I agree that it isn’t a truly comparitive experience. For us (me) it’s more about expanding into a realization of the self that’s balanced between external expectations and internal pressure.
I can remember the first time I became aware the fact of trans experience. It was confusing, and I’ve made errors over the decades in seeking understanding. It’s one of those things where you try to truly empathize, as well as gain intellectual understanding, and it takes steps, a series of enlightenments to get closer.
Which is a long winded way of saying that there are more similarities than most people realize, but that you’re right that when cis folks do figure out the similarities in experience it can, and will, lead to better understanding.
That is a good point. Almost as if being cis is taken for granted. Like its an automatic state of self. “Of course I’m my AGAB” but they never experience the relief and happiness that comes from finally being your true self.
I personally don’t think i understand joy at all lol
As a “cis” guy I honestly envy people who know who they are and live that life. I don’t know “what” I am at all, all I know is I don’t seem to belong anywhere lol
I’m Agender and I’ve also heard the opposite of your statement at the end, especially from my mum. ’ NOBODY cares much about their gender! What you’re describing is just being NoRmAl!’ There’s not thinking much about your identity because you’re cis in a cisnormative society, and then there’s doing a LOT of soul searching and then strongly feeling that you lack a gender identity and would like to be seen as genderless by others. I know there’s different ways to be Agender but the latter is me.
I’ve heard this exact same phrasing in response to my being ADHD. Funny how that works with people.
Same, lol. I think it boils down to yes, a lot of people can relate to aspects of being trans or even ADHD, but there is a certain threshold where action needs to be taken.
Most people can relate to lack of motivation or ability to focus from time to time, but when I don’t take my ADHD meds, that is me all the time regardless of circumstances. I needed help in managing the ADHD.
Most people can relate to enjoying hobbies or mannerisms or expression that are socially tagged as of a different gender, but being trans means that you inherently are of another gender and have a need to express differently than society expects.
It’s a deeper level for both situations and just because a cis person (or neurotypical person) can relate to the surface level in some way does not invalidate the deeper feelings and experiences of another.
That probably is why I got so angry when my step mom said “well, why can’t you just be a feminine guy, isn’t that enough?”
No, because I am not a man. It has nothing to do with femininity and everything to do with my identity. Exploring my feminine side is how I find my authentic self.
Well put.
Very annoying when people just kinda assume nocritter else experiences anything differently from how they do :| “Oh yeah, everyone’s like that!” But no, actually :-\
CIS here. The way I see it, bodies evolve in all kids of ways in the womb. Some grow blue eyes, others are brown, some are blonde, others are ginger, some are born with a sixth toe on each foot, some are even born with both sexes.
I can’t see why people can’t grow a female brain in a male body or vice versa. Or some have the “programming” of both. Some others might be missing that code altogether.
I don’t try to understand it, it just happens. It just is.
That even if you think you are an ally you almost certainly have internalized transphobia
Hell, a lot of trans people have internalized transphobia we have to work through to better accept ourselves. I know I do and it’s important to continue to improve that.
Absolutely true, internalized transphobia is kinda the default unfortunately. I didn’t even recognize it in myself until I started actively exploring my identity
I already commented but more i just thought of
- Sex is not a binary, no one is the ‘perfect’ ‘biological male/female’ its a graph with two like, clusters of stuff that gather around little hills like flowers, most of them want full, bright sun but some of them fall in the middle where the cool, shades or partially sunny areas are (have many characteristics of ‘both’ sexes, are intersex) and pretending that it is a perfect binary excludes intersex people and also seems to fuck over disabled ppl in a lot of instances
- gender is a colonial construct and systemic oppression of trans/queer ppls is inherently linked to racism and colonialism, because it’s presenting the specific social hierarchies and systems of colonizers to be Superior and Right and Good
- trans people come in all shapes and sizes. You do not know the gender or even the sex of someone by looking at them. I am beaming this one directly into my aunt’s head because she still tries to sus out the AGAB of my trans friends.
- there are trans people in every country in the world. do NOT think that because e.g. Peru is in south america has very spanish catholic-y culture and is somewhat homophobic and transphobic, that there aren’t queers in Peru fighting against that oppression. We are everywhere, and we have always been here.
oppression of trans/queer ppls is inherently linked to racism and colonialism
I might be missing out on some Discourse, but as a white queer Belgian, I refute the claim that I am a victim of colonialism lol. Like, there are parallels and intersectionality is great but given both the historical actions of my country in Congo/Rwanda and our participation in the economic oppression of the Global South, I’ll pass on the opportunity to claim that I am being colonized.
Well beauty standards and the whole 2 genders concept is a European concept that was forced on people outside of Europe which would be colonialism and also the standards are forced upon the people with in Europe.
Thing is as much as you have been benefiting from colonialism you have also been hurt by it. As an analogy take men who uphold toxic masculinity, they are hurting others and themselves.
It’s different IMO.
White skinned Western Europeans being seen as more beautiful/superior/whatever (ew) only benefits me.
Toxic masculinity thrusts unrealistic and/or harmful behavior onto me (“real men don’t do X”), but I’m pretty sure the only things my ethnicity holds me back from doing is blackface and going outside without sunscreen. I also don’t think there is a higher expectation for me to succeed than if I was a foreigner, quite the contrary.Yes western gender roles originated in Europe, but when we do that to ourselves “colonialism” is hardly the right word for once. If anything, Gender Theory/Third Wave feminism is a very North American concept that gets imported here (which is part of the reason why it’s taking longer to take root here than it should, because it is shot down by conservatives as American Wokist Imperialism. Not a joke.).
Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying somehow you or me are not benefiting highly from colonialism but even with that standards while highly beneficial to us it’s not without it’s very harmful ideals. Going back to the beauty thing, taking my experience for example, I’m white, skinny and have light colored eyes and that benefits me highly but I don’t fit the beauty standard that we’ll bc I’m trans, have broad shoulders relatively tall for my area and visible Adam’s apple. Not really the peak “white beauty” for a femm. At the end of the day “colonialism” in this context sets very unrealistic standards for everyone but especially for racial and or gender minorities.
In general I very much agree with you but seems like you are missing a bit more nuance in this particular aspect
I just don’t think colonialism is the cause of unrealistic beauty standard in European white people. If European nations never built a single ship capable of crossing the Mediterranean, we’d still have unrealistic beauty standards. Just look at any Ancient Greek statue (my fave, mostly linking it because it’s an amazing statue in its own right); surely those beauty standards are unrealistic as well, if anything it’s even worse because Ancient Greeks truly believed that intelligence and beauty were one. Yet those standards predate our modern definition of colonialism by a couple millennia and even predate whatever you want to call Ancient Roman-Greek cultural relations.
I could see an argument that the way white people have been setting the canonical beauty standards in entertainment/fashion/etc. puts more pressure on white people, but I don’t buy it. I know that society would make it much harder for me if I was ugly-black than ugly-white (which is racist, and in some ways colonialist) but if we lived in a parallel universe where Europe is the only continent on Earth and everyone is white I don’t believe that the beauty standards would be any better because the patriarchy would still shove people into narrow gender-normative boxes.
