The uncharitable perspective: This kind of attitude makes long term relationships harder. If you have severe uncertainty about your future with someone, why should you buy a house with them? Or make mutual sacrifices for the sake of mutually desired goals? Why should you not seek someone who seems to be more determined to spend a long time of their life with you?
The charitable perspective: These people have been hurt by the unrealistic expectations of how romantic love is portrayed in media, and are now overcompensating. This may lead them to not to live their best lives, but it protects them from falling into an inescapable pit.
Both extremes have their dangers.
Many people expect the perfect relationship/marriage to happen to them, like it’s destiny.
But the truth is that a good marriage is something you create! Much like freedom requires constant vigilance, marriage requires constant positive input. But then the second fun truth is that once you start doing this, it becomes a fulfilling part of your life and not some chore you have to remember to do.
Going through some mental health struggles, and figuring out what it really takes for my particular brain to have a positive fulfilling life, it definitely changed how I view and approach my marriage.
I think generally everything pays off more when you put more time or effort in it.
Yep, and equally important is putting the effort into the right things.
What are the right things? That’s the hard one. The metaphor I used is that we all have our own custom written manual for our specific bodies and brains, but we don’t get a copy of it. In my case it really felt like I was trying to reverse engineer my brain to figure out the things I really care about vs stressing over the things I’m supposed to care about.
I don’t think that’s the charitable perspective at all tbh. A charitable perspective would be that acknowledging “true love” isn’t a thing and all love can end is a healthy way to look at things. If it’s an all prevailing thought that you never stop thinking about or letting go of, not so good, but if you’re just keeping in mind that even the best relationships can fail, and nothing is fated, then you’re far less likely to overlook fatal issues in your relationship that would lead you to staying in a toxic one. And wanting an easy way out if it does become toxic is never a bad thing, because like it or not, that can happen at any time, no matter how compatible you were before.
My ex and I had an amazing relationship for a long time. I thought she and I might be fated to be together. But one day, things just started going down hill. Life stresses started building up, expectations of what we wanted from each other started to diverge, and we started fighting, a lot. Still, we wanted to believe it was fate, and that it’d work out. We had so much in common, we’d done great so far, so we should be able to make it through. But things only got worse and worse.
The thing that finally broke it up was when my now girlfriend tried her best to attempt a polyamorous relationship with us, and ended up realizing it was toxic as fuck and stealing me away from it.
In my new relationship, I’ve found it a powerful tool to remember always that there is no fate, something could happen and we could break up. I’ll enjoy it as long as it lasts, maybe forever if it does last that long, but letting myself believe that’s definitely gonna happen just isn’t healthy.
EDIT: Well whada ya fuckin’ know…
I was shocked by how different romance is in real life than media. For example, my parents had their wedding booked before my dad actually proposed. And for me, there’s rarely a set time when a relationship begins. Just a friend you know just begins getting affectionate and then you’re spending more time together and being affectionate back. Or maybe I and my family are just strange. Who knows.
Personally, I don’t need romantic, I just absolutely do not want to end up in a relationship that’s effectively entrenched warfare. Both parties having the option of leaving, keeps one another on their toes to make the relationship work. And if it still does not work, then leaving is absolutely a form of conflict resolution. Yes, that comes with concessions, but I deem the alternative too risky to even consider.
No matter what kind of relationship you are in, both parties always have the option of leaving. Wearing a ring doesn’t change it. Getting married doesn’t change it. Signing a document doesn’t change it.
Ceremonies and legal documents can make leaving more difficult - because it creates a risk of social or financial punishment; but whether that’s a good thing is subjective. The people in this comic are of the view that they should only stay together if they both continue to be happy with their relationship. And I think that’s a fair enough perspective. No one wants to be stuck in an unhappy relationship, right?
Unhealthy fear of committment
Their relationship seems healthy enough, doesn’t it? They enjoy each others company, and they treat each other well. So is this unhealthy fear of commitment? Or is it explicit acceptance of uncertainty?
I’m mostly imagining what my reaction would be if one of my friends described a relationship by saying that if it isn’t fun anymore they’re done, but they’re also thinking of moving in together. Major red flags.
Uncertainty is a huge part of life, but a large part of a relationship is being someone else’s certainty. No matter what happens, you’re there for them, through everything.
The relationship in the comic is cute because they made it, but I wouldn’t hold it up as exemplary or healthy. Most people who treat relationships this way don’t have relationships that last. They end up out their security deposit for breaking a lease on an apartment after a surprisingly nasty breakup.
I’m mostly imagining what my reaction would be if one of my friends described a relationship by saying that if it isn’t fun anymore they’re done, but they’re also thinking of moving in together. Major red flags.
I think that mischaracterises what is going on here. The characters in the comic aren’t describing a relationship to a third party. They are talking openly and honestly about their feelings to each other.
You’re talking about relationships not lasting, and being unhealthy, etc. - but there are multiple people in this thread who have publicly said that this comic reflects their own long-term ongoing relationship. I think it’s important to understand that different people communicate their feelings differently. To you maybe telling to your partner that you can’t promise to love them forever a red flag; - whereas to me, telling someone that you will love them forever unconditionally is a red-flag, because life isn’t really like that. I don’t want platitudes or empty promises.
I agree that it’s bit sketchy to say to your partner “if it isn’t fun, them I’m off”; (‘fun’, I think, is a bad word to use.) But on the other hand, the two characters in the comic agreed at the start that they weren’t even looking for a long term relationship. So they are on common ground. They aren’t just pulling out a bombshell from nowhere; but rather they are acknowledging their current and changing feelings. So in their relationship it can make sense to say something like that.
They are acknowledging the inherent mortality of relationships, and they seem to be doing fine together.
There is always the possibility of shooting yourself in the foot and being too scared of the relationship ending and screwing it up that way, but there’s also the possibility of it ending because you ignored the risks and warning signs.
It’s about striking a balance, and that balance is gonna be different for each relationship.
Kind of cute but also kind of sad. Love is sometimes also a leap of faith and trust. It seems like they never really trusted each other, or themselves, to still love each other.
Personally I think marriage is not about force, but about trust. It’s a confession of trust in your partner.
It’s a little hard to tell if the idea is that they at some point realize this will be a running joke between them but both agree that they no longer really believe it, or if each time they say it, it’s because they truly don’t want to commit to advancing the relationship.
Or because they are traumatized from childhood of abandonment and have learned to take the option of being abandoned into their own hands as a self defense mechanism.
I mean not that I’d know from experience.
Or because they are realists, and know that sometimes people change and things don’t work out?
True love is one of those things that really bothers me about relationships, especially early on in a relationship. My now wife of 18 years and I were very much like this couple, although we moved in together as roommates very early.
We were friends first, then dated for 6 years before getting married, then waited 8 more years before we felt responsible and stable enough to have a kid. And I’m glad we waited, we’re so much happier now that at times along the way, and mostly know how to handle stress and loss and many of the things that have lead others we know, to break up or divorce.
I’ve learned that realists and idealists clash really hard in relationships.
Yeah, we can’t hear the tone in their voices, but these little jabs would make me concerned if they weren’t clearly joking. I’d feel very insecure if my wife were constantly reminding me that she’s ready to bolt at a moment’s notice if things get the slightest bit tough. We’d never have made it this far if we weren’t willing to work things out when the future looks bleak.
Why would one want to do this leap of faith if one can be happy without it? I’d rather have the relationship be based on regularly renewed interest than a leap. I don’t want someone to stay with me because of a past social success certificate. People change, you can’t predict if you’ll have the same feelings in 3 years. If it is still there great, if it’s not, I’d rather not make things administratively complicated on top of the rest.
It’s absolutely guaranteed you won’t have the same feelings. People change and the new relationship dopamine wears off after a few years.
However, building a life together is a special thing in its own right and that takes commitment to stay together and work on the relationship when times get tough.
I would say that even the easiest relationships are work and it’s not healthy to always have your eye on the door but what do I know?
Sees other people being happy and wholesome
Calls them sad because they don’t share the same worldview as him.
Wut?
Just giving my perspective m8. You’re free to find it only cute and wholesome - your opinion is as valid as mine.
Just giving my perspective on your opinion m8. No need to feel personally attacked. Some people are extraordinarily happy and successful in their personal relationships and they don’t share the same opinion as you, and that’s alright.
It is alright and thanks for clarifying - your first comment made it seem like my view was unreasonable somehow.
I’m not sure I’d agree that a relationship with so much uncertaintly is that wholesome. I know I’d lose sleep if my partner kept telling me this is just a for now thing but still expected commitment.
You’ve missed the point. There’s no expected commitment, they are both of the same mind. They both feel like it would be ok if it doesn’t last. It’s because they share the same feelings that they continue to work well together, and the relationship lasts.
This is basically how me and my girlfriend’s relationship started off. No pressure, if it’s not working we’ll call it off and go back to being just friends.
We’ve been together for 15 some odd years, and we have 2 kids.
You really think this is more stressful than “we have to be together forever, unconditionally”. Forever is a long time. I’d take this over unhappy marriages that fight, bicker and argue all day everyday, hate each other’s guts and sleep on separate rooms out of spite for 15 out of the past 20 years. But are still together because of social norms and pressures.
This on the other hand is liberating and loving company. Nothing makes me feel more secure and confident than someone who can use that second to last line confidently “I would be fine on my own, but I’m better with you” it tells you clearly that this person is with you because they want to. Everything else in romantic manipulative BS.
“I want to be with you forever” makes me feel a lot more secure, comfortable and hopeful than “when this isn’t fun anymore I’m off”.
Everyone knows that “be with you forever” is a feeling, not a fact but it gives me a good idea of where my partner is in the relationship. My partner saying “once it isnt fun I’m out” makes me feel like I’m just a hobby, not a partner.
“be with you forever“ is a feeling
Yeah, it’s called obsession. Romantic love is very toxic, but it’s ideologically enforced into people at a very young age. Asking toddlers to confess to adults whom they like and with whom they want to marry when they grow up and similar performative acts, for example. The characters in the comic are acknowledging their humanity, instead of denying themselves with a pretension of immortality or infinitude to their human feelings. Lots of people who say “I will be with you forever” end up cheating or abandoning their partners anyways. Humans are neither immortal nor infinite, it’s immature and irresponsible to promise either.
Not to invalidate or guess how you think or feel, but that negative interpretation oozes insecurity and fear.
Or in the words of Oscar Wilde: “When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.” Romantic love is lying.
For some people the feeling of not being committed helps being committed
The christian marriage (i left the church) or the legal one (a legal hassle)? Too bad there’s no confessionsless marriage like there are funerals. Because that’s something humans do, even without believing in a higher power.
Falling in love isn’t fashionable on these forums.
To see how dysfunctional this couple is, imagine them having kids after panel 6.
This is cute. Reminds me of my wife and I. We weren’t even close to this in denial, though. 😏
Forgot the part where they only get married for the tax benefits
Or for the health insurance!
Or where they don’t get married, or even move in together, because one/both would have income support and disability benefits reduced/removed.
Wait is there other reasons to get married than gov treating non-married couples unequally?
Are you counting the healthcare system as part of gov?
Religious reasons. Whether it be a set religion or a personal interpretation on human spirituality linked with sexuality, etc
And for people that aren’t religious?
Probably isn’t much point apart from government benefits, lol.
Yeh. I will say I’ve heard there’s like over a thousand benefits the government affords married people ranging from taxes to visiting in the hospital, etc. So back to the original point that if the government didn’t incentivize it then what would be the point?
Religion. Other than that, there’s none 🤣
Idk, the romantic in me likes the idea commitment like that and celebrating having found someone with friends and family 🥲
For the health insurance is where I’m at
A lot of psychoanalysts in the comments who can’t seem to identify that this is just a joke, the last panel being the punchline
What’s the punchline? The guy was zoned out on the computer the last 25 years and wasn’t aware of any relationship whatsoever? I still kinda don’t get it.
They’ve spent 25 years not acknowledging the relationship so it’s a surprise to one when the other does. At least that’s how I’m interpreting it.
It’s observational humor about how some people are so afraid of committed relationships that they have to slowly work they way into it. Which is funny to watch from the outside, since it’s clear to everyone else what is going on. Obviously if you haven’t made such experience yourself or observed situations like that, that joke wont work for you.
I don’t get it either. Is this supposed to be cute? She seems like the worst and him, the enabler.
The way I interpreted it, they’re both happy in the relationship, but both are telling eachother (but really themselves) that they aren’t going to commit, because they’re both afraid of becoming invested and subsequently hurt when it doesn’t pan out (likely due to bad past experiences). But they both act like this because they’re afraid of the other abandoning them. Eventually they’re together long enough that it has since become clear that neither of them are leaving and they’re both happy, so the last panel is them finally addressing that fact.
It’s a joke because 25 years is an absurd amount of time to come to that realization. In reality this couple would have figured this out after a few years. It’s exaggeration.
It’s “cute” because they’re both good, loyal people who love each other, but they were both on the defensive for a long time, which is an immature “toxic” behavior, but because they were both on the exact same page, they have grown out of that toxic behavior together.
The guy does kinda comes across like maybe he’s not sharing the same behavior because he’s a bit more nonchalant about it, but I think that’s the general idea.
I can’t argue with that.
Calm down Freud, it’s just a gentle comic!
This comic makes me miserable. I’m going to die alone.
If its any consolation everyone dies alone
Nonsense. Plenty of people die surrounded by their creditors.
The fact that “creditors” is on a second line gave your joke even better timing. Love it.
Unless you die at war, or in a hospital during a pandemic, or during a sudden, large natural catastrophe, or…
Yeh but not at the same time as others. Unless it’s an atomic bomb?
That’s ok, we’re going to die alone together! Lol
(Also, this comic isn’t for us) :P
Mood.
i like this different perspective because ive seen people delude themselves into falling in love with the most insane, horrible people by spitting out all this commitment and lovey dovey crap. an ex friend ruined our friendship for this awful dude that she got engaged to after 6 months. this way you know you’re your own person and that both parties are here willingly. not to mention it makes you keep your game up :)
This is pretty much how my relationship with my SO started. I just came out of a bad relationship where I was cheated on and met her, and told her in no uncertain terms I was looking for nsa fun and nothing else.
That was in 2008. Never married but still (happily) together with a 13yo son.
You were looking for National Security Agency fun?
You’d never guess how fun it is to read every Americans messages!
I genuinely wonder what they mean by nsa now
No strings attached
Me and my most recent partner also started similarly. Both had harsh breakups about at the same time, got into a FWB relationship, on date 4 I think we were both like “this is clearly not a FWB relationship”. We talked over what we wanted to do and both decided being partner-partners sounded good. Shortly after they invited me to join them out of country for a week and I was like fuck it, this will either go very well or very poorly. It went very well. Now my damaged self is trying to figure out when or if I should tell them how much I’m falling for them
Tell them when you’re about to leave at the end of the weekend. 🙂
I’ve done similar before x.x
Why not marry now?
Honestly, because of money mostly. And since we only have one son he’s automatically sole heir so marriage wouldn’t change that.
Should I come into a few thousand unexpectedly I wouldn’t mind putting a ring on it at all. My intentions remain the exact same either way.
Not everyone prescribes to the concept of state marriage. If they’re good without it who cares.
I’m not saying “go marry,” I’m saying to consider it.
Yes I’m certain after 13 years together and a child they were just waiting for a stranger on the internet to suggest they consider marriage.
There is no world where they haven’t discussed this topic already.
Listen, they’re just casually starting a family. No competitive ambitions.
I feel called out on this one :D For years we were like “Marry and have kids? No way, we’re way too irresponsible ourselves!” After 14 years we thought we might as well marry. And now it’s been (counts on fingers) 27 years, and we have three wonderful kids and couldn’t imagine any other life!
There is for sure a YouTube video or there where a therapist reacts to memes and comics and diagnoses them with unsecure attachment styles
Summarizes the toxic modern dating culture very well. This is not a healthy pattern everyone, stop upvoting!
Exactly. This type of uncertainty in life isn’t fun. Not communicating or setting expectations about a relationship, it’s just awful. I’d understand not marrying, not having children if it was discussed beforehand and agreed to. But this whole spiel of “I don’t really care about you, you could leave at any time” or “we are not dating”, is very manipulative.
Its deliberately pitched as ironic. A lot of this “will we / won’t we” happens in the first few months, and the author has stretched it for comic effect to juxtapose it with the “time flies” feeling old couples can have looking backwards.
For folks who are used to meeting, dating, and breaking up every few months, a committed relationship can come as something of a shock. I was in and out of relationships for most of my twenties, and I definitely sympathize with the first - like - row of these panels. Finding myself in a happy, committed relationship one day, with a partner who felt the same way was surprising.
But as soon as you’re moved in together, its pretty plainly established as serious.
So what’s her name Pissy ?
Ahh good ol Pissy and Poopy. They eventually had a kid they named Pukey.
And another kid called Snotty.
Schmoopy.
This is called an avoidant attachment system and it’s not rosy like the comic wants to suggest.
I am Poopy
Might wanna go clean yourself up then
Maybe in 25 years
