I guess most of us deal with this at some point:
The thought occurred to me, I want to take self-defense classes. So I’m thinking, well those may be segregated by gender, so I’ll just join the men’s group to avoid making a scene, stirring up tensions. Even though my body, mannerisms, clothing, is indicative of a woman. I don’t pass all the time, but I’m getting much closer.
But I was willing to be casually misgendered, to be othered, to accept less than what I’m fighting for every day (recognition, equality), so other people wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.
How is that OK?
I feel like it’s a common issue for all minorities. Stay out of the way, try to fit in, deny your identity, settle for less. You’ll be safe, you’ll survive. For what?
Is this the reality I’m risking everything for?
When I vacationed with my partner, I deliberately chose porta-potties and unisex bathrooms. Nobody told me too, I wasn’t forced. But what if a “Karen” blew up at me and caused a scene in the women’s bathroom? It could ruin my whole day, it could put me in danger…
When do I stop settling for less than my true identity, when do I stop giving in to internalized transphobia?
When do we stop deferring to the hypothetical concerns of other people, and assert our own rights and concerns?
It’s funny because transphobes like to portray us all as radical activists who enjoy making scenes and partake in unhinged rants over pronouns or some shit.
Yet every trans person I have ever met is gentle, often frightened as hell, and goes out of their way to avoid triggering the phobes or causing a scene – even at the expense of intense dysphoria, self-misgendering, accepting discrimination
Mostly? We want to be invisible, ignored, free to live in peace.
I don’t want to be the trans woman among men, or the trans woman among women. I simply want to be a woman. Not othered, not segregated, not pitied, not patronized, not accommodated.
I can’t control what other people think, but I can control my own thoughts and actions. Maybe we can’t achieve equality until we think and act like equals, and refuse to accept anything less.
I’m not trans, but I sympathise. Just a heads up from an outside perspective. Even your language has some of that internalizes transphobia.
You say I don’t want to be a trans woman. I simply want to be a woman.
You are a woman. Likely you always were and always will be l. Transitioning is just affirming that, not changing your gender.
As a cis person, when I read that you want to be a woman, it means to me you don’t consider yourself one. I’m not trying to create drama for you, but trying, poorly, to point out how you can start affirming yourself more in your language.
Collectively, for all of us, it makes sense to not bow to societal pressure and to be our true selves, always. However, as you point out, it’s not always safe to do that, so individually, we need to practice caution. Over time, hopefully individually and as a society, there is increasing acceptance. Same sex marriage is just made legal in Greece, for instance. I now will travel there with my family openly. Previously I might not.
Ha you found it. I considered rephrasing that, but was lazy and left it as-is.
What I meant was I want to be seen as a woman in other people’s eyes. The same way they see a cis woman.
But yes, it is a significant difference to talk about gender in terms of becoming or desiring vs what we already are. Here is my current relationship with these terms:
- I am a woman (gender, internal).
- I want to be seen as a woman (gender/sex, external).
- I am transitioning from male-dominant behaviors and appearance to female-dominant (transgender/transsex, external).
- I am increasingly perceived as a woman (gender/sex, external).
It’s complicated. Part of me is the activist, proud and defiant, waving a flag and yelling “trans rights!” The other part would opt for peaceful assimilation into cisgender society, if that were ever truly possible.
This is so relatable. I do this especially around family because I desperately don’t want to be judged and talked about (but it happens anyway).
Yeah that’s a common stage of transitioning, it’s difficult and important to do
Yes indeed! You might wish to look into the idea of double consciousness, the dual self-perception experienced by subordinated or colonized groups in an oppressive society. Its a sense of attempting to perceive yourself as both who you know yourself to be and as an oppressive other will perceive you. If you want to smash that noise then you need to learn to stop being ashamed of yourself!
Also, you definitely should be taking the self-defense class appropriate to your gender as violence is very often gendered. There’s a podcast episode of The Gender Rebels about one trans women’s experience taking Krav Maga you might want to give a listen.
Good luck and take care :)
