This has been a rough year for many reasons.
My nephew always liked playing video games when we’d all be at my parents’ house for holidays, and I used to try playing things like Destiny 2 with him, even though I sucked royally. Not just him, but all my nieces, nephews, and niblings loved their crazy gay uncles, and while my husband doesn’t have much patience with kids, I always tried to at least listen and pay attention.
Well, some years ago at Thanksgiving (about the same time his wife left him for being abusive), my brother had a homophobic meltdown at Thanksgiving, lashing out at my parents about how they’re sinning by accepting my husband and I as part of the family, and before he stormed out he said he doesn’t want us [f-slurs] around his kids or giving them gifts. For the record, my parents have never been anything but loving and accepting of my husband and me (which I guess was the problem in my brother’s mind).
So I distanced myself from that whole thing. I’ve never been close to my brother. He’s been like this since we were kids. In fact, he sexually abused another one of our siblings, which … I can’t really elaborate fully in a post, but basically there were a lot of fucked up things – breaking my personal items because he was mad at me, bringing our mother to tears because he was embarrassed about how “nice” she was, being massively insulting to any of my friends or my other brother’s friends – things like that.
Even after the Thanksgiving debacle, his daughter and son (my niece and nephew) would still try to hang out and play games like we used to, but I’d usually make some excuse, sometimes even making an excuse to leave the holiday events altogether and then finding a time when my husband and I could visit my parents without them around. We’d still give my niece and nephew gifts, but I’d give them to my parents and tell them to say they were from Santa or whatever.
As the kids grew older, this didn’t stop them from giving presents to my husband and me. In fact, I remember my nephew learning that I was into particular books or games, sometimes he’d find me things specifically related to those things and gift them to me. I felt bad about not being more present, but I was never comfortable anymore. Clearly in my brother’s mind, I didn’t belong.
So this past year, my nephew committed suicide. I have no idea why and neither does anyone else. And I feel this enormous sense of guilt. What if I had been there for him? I know it’s not really anything to do with me, but what if? Y’know?
First of all, don’t feel guilty over your nephew’s death, it’s not your fault. You were trying to respect your brothers wishes and you couldn’t have known what your nephew was going through. You can’t blame yourself for his death, you were only trying to do the right thing and that’s what counts.
Unfortunately, if you had tried to be part of your nephew’s life without your brother’s consent you might have gotten into a world of trouble otherwise, so really, don’t beat yourself up about that.
That said, it’s unbelievably tragic what happened to your nephew and I’m so sorry for your loss! It sounds like you were a really great uncle and he valued the time he got to spend with you!
I know it’s hard to turn the other cheek, but maybe if you have the time and patience you should reach out to your brother and try to be a comfort to him in this time despite his hatred towards you in the past. I think some group therapy would be in order for you and your brother, or just your brother and his family.
It’s so hard to move past the death of a family member, but if you take the time and are honest with each other, you can come out the other side stronger than before.