To be clear, I don’t really think my mom is, but this was revealed to me by my sister yesterday.
So, I was having an argument with my sister, there is a family situation and my sister said I was repeating out mom’s version. During the argument, she said that our mom was diagnosed schizophrenic as a child, and that she was even locked up (?).
For context. I’m 25. My sister is in her 40s.
Our mom had my sister when she was 17. Our mom is the middle child of a total of 5 sisters. She was born in 1964. She had my sister to a man that I know absolutely nothing about, since she never talked about it. According to my sister, she also never knew who her father was till she was a teenager, when our mom finally agreed to let her meet him once.
When our mom was 20 she meet my dad, who was in his 40s. After that, my sister was raised by our grandparents and my mom pretty much forgot about her. I was born in 1998. All my life I was told that they were married but insisted on not having children until my dad’s son died in 1996. But turns out that in reality, they got married a few months after I was born. I know this only because I saw they marriage certificate during the divorce lawsuit.
My sister and I never lived together, since when I was learning to walk, she was starting university in the capital of our country, years later we used to visit her once or twice a year until my sister moved to the US with my nephew and niece.
When I was 8 to 10, my parents had a terrible separation. My dad cheated on my mom and she went crazy and my dad went extremely abusive and violent. I witnessed some of that with my own eyes.
Then, they hated each other so much that couldn’t even agree on divorce terms. It took them 15 YEARS to officially divorce (that’s when I saw the marriage certificate, because the lawsuit was delivered to be, because they couldn’t contact my mom).
Now, to get on topic. My mom is very obviously a narcisistic, since she has the entire criteria. She also made my life hell multiple times.
One of the things she does is having her own version of what is happening, and run with that version, no matter how different it is from reality. Like the many times I rebeled in my early 20s, was because I was doing drugs, got into a cult, got brainwashed, and was having gay sex, according to her. No, I was just having my university partying phase. The only thing she was right about it was me having gay sex, but not the way she was thinking and not with the people she was thinking, I was still closeted. And her concern wasn’t me having gay sex, was more like “hanging out with those f***ts who are maybe fucking your ass”. She always makes wild assumptions about people, mostly when she don’t like them.
During university I was severely depressed and thinking about dropping out, but I found an online university that had my career and I could continue there. I told my mom about it and she went BALLISTIC, assaulting me physically even, and I hit her back, then she restrained me, because she didn’t want me to study in an university for “bums and lowlives” according to her. This fight was so bad that I was thinking about killing myself that week, but I didn’t. However, years after I dropped out, she asked “Why didn’t you find a way to study online” then I remind her of this incident, but she says “that never happened, what are you talking about?”.
She also wanted me to graduate from law school to “become her lawyer in her divorce” agaisn’t my dad.
She also used to trashtalk my dad A LOT when I was a kid, almost daily. I was constantly told that if I didn’t succeed, I would be a bum like my dad (my dad is a successful lawyer).
She has a hard time maintaining friendships, because everybody is “stupid, inefficient, irresponsible” according to her so she gets tired of everyone. I am also irresponsible and inefficient according to her. I’m also super smart or slow according to who she is talking to, if is literally everyone else, I’m super smart and a gifted kid, if she is mad at me, I’m stupid and slow.
I got an autistic diagnostic as an adult, when I asked people on my family, they told me that they knew and told my mom to try get me in a special environment, but she refused to do that and told everyone to not dare talk about my autism.
When I told her about my diagnostic, she said “but you knew your whole life you were asperger” and I was like “NO I DIDN’T, KNOWING SOONER WOULD HAVE HELPED A LOT” She still insists that I knew my whole life.
I suffered many other forms of abuse and I’m still receiving them because I still live with her. But this has been too long already.
I don’t think she might be schizophrenic. The ironic thing is that when I had what I now know are “autistic meltdown” she said I was having a schizophrenic psychosis and I should see a therapist (funny because she is very much anti therapy). I have a paternal uncle who IS schizophrenic and has dealt with it his entire life. He is a very hard case.
But yeah, the important thing here is that I don’t think she ever had hallucinations, not that I know off, like seeing things, or hearing voices that aren’t the usual “were you calling me name?” when I wasn’t. Maybe you can give me a but more of perspective. IDK if what my sister said is true, but I hope I can get some perspective. if it is, she might have been diagnosed in the 70s or 80s and mental health wasn’t good at all at the time (my country was still doing electroshock until a few years ago).
Sorry for the long text.
TLDR: My sister said my mom is a diagnosed schizophrenic, but I don’t think my mom has the signs of being one, tho I’m telling some of my history of abuse from her to know if there is something to analyze from there.
At the end of the day, the important thing to keep in mind is that whatever’s the matter with her is not your fault or your problem. You’re only accountable to yourself. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
One of the things she does is having her own version of what is happening, and run with that version, no matter how different it is from reality.
This is called a delusion, and is one of the main factors towards diagnosing someone with Schizophrenia.
Schizophrenia isn’t like in the movies. In reality, it’s closer to what you are dealing with with. The movie version is paranoid / violent Schizophrenia which is very very rare.
Schizophrenia is mostly about believing in your own reality. It’s not always to the benefit of your Mom either. She likely believes in oddities about herself that aren’t true.
I’m not a psychologist, but it sounds like your mom has a relatively light form of Schizophrenia (if she has one at all). Much like Autism, there are different degrees of delusions.
Her delusions are still somewhat based on reality it seems. So it’s not as bad as other cases. But it’s still be a pain to live with.
She has a hard time maintaining friendships, because everybody is “stupid, inefficient, irresponsible” according to her so she gets tired of everyone. I am also irresponsible and inefficient according to her. I’m also super smart or slow according to who she is talking to, if is literally everyone else, I’m super smart and a gifted kid, if she is mad at me, I’m stupid and slow.
This is called being a jerk. It’s nothing to do with mental illness.
My Dad is neurotypical. He does the same to me. No mental illness, just my Dad being a jackass sometimes.
The part you need to learn to deal with is the delusions. Your Mom’s beliefs will stray from Reality, and the more stressed she gets the further from reality she will get.
But her being a jerk is her own damn fault.
Your sister is a narcissist. She’s worried more about if you’re embarrassing her than your actual welfare. I have the same problem with my sister, who is about the same years older than me as yours is to you. She thinks she runs everything, will talk shit about me and my brothers behind our backs but defend our extremely abusive dead father if we bring it up, hears everything said to her as an insult, is obsessed with appearances, and is just unpleasant to be around.
Your mother may have Borderline Personality Disorder. The way you are the best or the absolute worst depending on her mood, can be physically abusive, and has extreme anger problems are all symptoms of BPD. As is the sabotaging of your attempt to be independent. Good luck, you need it.
Thanks, yes I was suspecting on BPD. Thinking about it is what would make more sense alongside the narcissism.
Yes my sister is obsessed with appearances, so is our mom and so it was our gandma. She also defends my dad because, to her, he was a good stepfather. After she got into the US, she became the superficial white passing latina who can’t say anything bad about the US and everything back home must be terrible and horrible, and if we say things are going ok she takes it as a personal attack. idk if she might be narcissistic, we have almost nothing in common, so we don’t talk often.
Best of luck. Remember, you can’t fix them. You can only work on you. You got this, chin up.
I have schizophrenia. I will say that this illness is different for everyone, and I can’t really diagnose her for many reasons, but it doesn’t totally add up to me.
Usually, a delusion that involves a lot of people is persecutory in nature. For example, I might think that my friends are secretly conspiring to ruin my life, but unfortunately for them, I can see through their lies. I can see the patterns that they deny exist, and it’s so obvious to me that they’re going to do such-and-such that I’m more certain of it than I am of my own humanity. Usually it involves a government, either foreign or domestic, or a religious body, or some other organization. (This isn’t one of my symptoms, personally, but I’ve seen it enough in other people with sz that it’s an unfortunately common theme.)
I might also start saying and believing things that are absurd or shocking to other people. I may believe that supernatural or otherworldly beings are communicating with me in some way, or harming me/people around me. If I tell other people that my anime girlfriend shares my body with me and I’m going to be in bliss with her for eternity after I die (something I actually did believe once upon a time), then they would have very serious reasons to doubt my mental health.
I may also have hallucinations - perceiving things that aren’t actually there. For example, I might see an insect sitting on my desk, or the shadow of someone standing behind me. Most stereotypical is the voice of someone who isn’t actually there, which is where I got the anime girlfriend sharing my body thing from.
Besides all this are the “negative” symptoms. I have trouble keeping up hygiene and eating right, I have low energy all the time (and my meds sure don’t help there), I experience an inability to feel pleasure from almost any situation, to name a few things. “Negative” symptoms means that the disorder removes things from my life, as opposed to the “positive” symptoms that add things like hallucinations or delusions.
Does any of this sound like your mother?
She usually does get conspiratorial. But I’ve experienced it weaponized against me. She thinks I dont have free will or free thinking. If I agree with her in something or do something she approves, its ok, but if I disagree or do anything she doesn’t approve of, then is because I must be being manipulated by someone else.
This was such a problem when I became a teenager and I started to defend myself because she said that “someone” must have been manipulating me to go against her.
She also use to think about the worst case escenario as the first option, like getting robed, mugged, killed, and is very distrustful. She also constantly think that people are conspiring to sabbotage her, including me.
One time as a teenager I left my phone at home and my dad called me, thats how she discovered I was in contact with him. And she berated me and called me a traitor and said I wanted to ruin her by conspiring with him. Inward just trying to her some connection to my dad but she was having non of it.
And also, if I was performing bad at university, must have been because I was doing drugs, because according to her “depression is for 12yos”.
Also she has became more religious in recent years, specially after my grandma died. She was never atheist or agnostic, but certainly not religious. Now she prays before leaving the house. And says that things goes well because the “Animas” are protecting us (I have no fucking idea of what Animas are, but some Catholics here believe in that, I think is like souls of our ancestors or something).
There may be something to your sister’s claims, then. This screams of paranoia. I’m not sure there’s much you can do for your mom where you are now, but know that this isn’t something you deserve. I’m sorry this had all happened to you.
Also, I’m Catholic, and the only “anima” I’m familiar with or can find online is the Anima Christi prayer, which is a pretty standard prayer. I’m not sure what they’re talking about.
I hope you can find some peace. Whatever the case, this abuse wasn’t your fault.
I’m 21 and have had a very similar experience with my mother. l’ve never even considered schizophrenia as a possible diagnosis, but frankly it doesn’t matter too much for me anymore; she’s been cut out of my life for a while now and I have no interest in making any connection to her.
While you may not be in the same situation, I’d consider going no-contact with her. I can’t say I’ve ever felt loved by my mother, so this may not apply for you. That of course requires being able to afford your own place, but best of luck to you!
