I just feel like everything has hit rock bottom and it’s my fault. My entire life sucked and I guess I just want to tell someone since I got nothing to loose anymore. My life begins with abuse, my first memory was my dad beating on my mom, soon enough my next memory was my mom moving out, I don’t remember much between that but I never could of guessed he would end up winning custody, I spent the next 12 year of my life being yelled and screamed at, and hit me. I knew he loved me in some way and still does help me out but he abused me. Growing up, I never had many friends I was always treated as the weird kid and my socialization skills would suffer as I had no real sense of boundaries. When I was 14 I found out I was transgender and sudeenly for the first time in my life somethings about why I hated my body made sense, but unfortunately I would go onto the suffer many more years due to being unable to start hrt without my dads involvement. When I turned 18 I moved in with my mom, this was at first a pretty decent arrangement, I was even able to start hrt at 20, however I realized how hard it was to make friends in my home town, and my moms anxiety about driving made it hard for me to learn how to drive and than she fed into my beginners driving anxiety. it sucked but I still love her and don’t feel like it was her fault. I moved out at 22 and while I was not financially equipped I thought it was the best option at the time, I made friends all steeming from a childhood friend I had at one point. It seemed perfect and I was happy, but the truth would soon rear that I annoying everyone, people speak to me with annoyance in their voice I know people only keep me around since they don’t think I have an ideal place to go. Now I am in a house, I wish I could of held onto this, but I blew it, I can tell people are just my friend cause they don’t think I have anywhere else to go. No one has officially told me they are not my friend but there is a certain coldness. i am really concerned eventually the long convo explaining how they feel will happen. at this moment I am thinking heavy about the end. On top of all of that I still look like a man I feel like, most trans women do like not look like men and they are some the prettiest girls i know, but I do look horrible, I am genetically cursed my facial bone structure is totally awful and I won’t even feel right no matter what I do. I have been on HRT for two years and still feel this way.
spoiler
I keep thinking about just blowing my brains out, going out into the middle of no where in a rental van, (I wrecked my car a couple of months ago) and offing myself. ensuring the only ones who see me are people trained to deal with this shit daily. I know whatever company I rent from won’t care it will just be a tax writeoff, when I die. I have been trying to get up the guts to do it. I am just scared and I have no one I feel close enough to talk too, even though I have been close to crying so many times. oddly enough I can’t shed a tear while typing this it almost feel objective like I won’t ever actually do but I know I will. I am currently listening to the cyberpunk ending where V off herself, my first attempt i listened to this, I felt sad, but I am reminded unlike a fictional protainist people would not be very emotional about me dying. only my mom would feel emotional about it and I don’t know what would happen to her, it hurts but I feel like I cannot go on somedays.
sucidal thoughts/planning
There’s one hell of a lot of people go through the same kind of thing you’re going through, and it’s not fucking easy. If you don’t fit the ‘default’ settings for the world, many people will struggle to communicate comfortably with you, and that can feel annoying to them.
Going through such a tough childhood no doubt instilled a lot of coping strategies that can be hard to overcome, and which may make it harder for you to accept yourself as yourself, or to look for solutions to certain problems. If you’re able to find counselling or a therapist, do, and try a couple different ones because they need to be able to connect with you.
If you’re able to stick around, you will, sooner or later, find a group who are your brand of crazy. Who won’t get annoyed at any quirks you may have. It’s worth looking for these groups, even if you look online. It’s also possible that you find your group or groups change over time. It can be sad to lose friends as you all find a different path in life, but the diversity of friendships can be part of the beauty and wonder of a full life.
I should say, the trans side isn’t a quirk, that’s just who you are. You are experiencing, it seems, some of the bodily concerns that many women, including cis women, have been fighting for decades, specifically with how women are expected to look. Take the Olympic boxer recently who, despite being a cis woman, is being shamed because ‘they’re clearly a man’. Bullshit, they’re not even trans, so if people can’t tell that someone who’s born a woman is a woman, they’re going to completely fail to identify anyone else’s gender. Gender is a very personal thing, so the only person who gets to judge that about yourself is you.
Please consider talking to someone for support. Some places you can contact include lifeline, and beyond blue. I am not equipped to provide the kind of support that you need, but I really, really hope that you will consider talking to someone who can help you.
There’s not much I can do, but I’m here. I read what you wrote and it mattered. I’m writing because I care. You have all the right to express your suffering. You had a hard life and you are still dealing with it. You are in a transitional state, and sometimes being in the middle is the worst place to be.
You know, reading your story, what I saw was a woman moving forward. You have a lot of empathy for your parents, understanding their circumstances and actions, but what they did hurt you nonetheless. So you have to process it so you can keep moving without that weight.
You are depressed. Not a diagnosis, just the way you present your world. You talk as if you’re worthless. You are not. You talk about killing yourself and worry about inconveniencing others. I know personally how it feels to want to end this horrible existence and to despair when nothing you said prevented a best friend from trying herself. It’s so hard and it seems so easy to end all. The thing is, death comes as a solution but it’s rarely what we want.
What do you want? Really. What is it you are moving forward to? Where’s your happy world? How does it look like?
The only advise I can give right now is to try to challenge the lies we tell ourselves. Start small. Every time you make an absolute statement (I have no value, I always annoy everyone), find one single proof it’s not absolutely true. One instance in which you had the smallest of values or that people enjoyed your company. Then find another one. Also, from time to time, look behind and see how far you’ve come. It won’t change how hard you’ll still have to fight, but it will give you perspective.
Seek therapy if possible. Look up how to find a good therapist if you decide to go in that direction. Be more selfish. You deserve that.
I just don’t even know the person I am anymore, I look into my heart and I don’t see a way forward that seems right to me, nothing feels quite right. I just don’t know why I feel like this, so out of place all of the time.
