So I had a situation at work where the project lead refused to communicate with me, and instead went to my boss about everything. I thought it was me, but my (male) boss suggested it might be misogyny. (My work is male dominated. I’m the only female lead of my role in the company.)
I occasionally run into situations where someone, man or woman, not only dislikes me but does everything they can to destroy me. I figure I’m just offputting, but I’ve had unrelated comments from others that it is because I’m direct and opinionated, and not afraid to defend my opinion.
I’m having a hard time mentally processing the opposing concepts that I’m a bad person, and that is why I make this kind of enemy, and that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s their problem.
For the record, I have all kinds of self- deprecating behaviors to try to soften my opinions, and they generally work. Just sometimes, there is no way for me to have a perspective and not be offensive to someone.
I’d welcome your experiences and thoughts, if any.
I have felt how you felt. Things actually, with some misogynists, have gotten worse recently in my experience. What that means now there is no uncomfortable peace with these people, now they either require me completely folding or holding my chin to get (metaphorically) punched. I have chosen the later, my pride won’t let me be walked over as much anymore. For good and bad.
I have learned to not try and placate. If I am doing that, why stand and have opinions at all? If I just let them talk me into a position that actually isn’t my position or softening my position, was I really standing at all?
I also have started trying to be actually gruffer. More in charge and direct the situation. A lot of people don’t know how to handle the confidence. For the misogynists against me? I have cut them off (boundaries for acquaintances who are jackoffs) and made sure to cya (cover my ass) like get email or text or something with their lack of engaging, then I have “they let petty opinions get between being professional” which usually businesses/HR will accept and put them in the wrong if all they did before was be disagreeable.
But really, try to drop the self-deprecation if you can. We pick it up to be cute as teens, but it really makes us fail in the workforce and it actually can get really old to be around for everyone. If anything, it makes them think they’re right about you (whatever the weird opinion is). If you are a thoughtful person and you have formed your opinions with care, why should you back down at all? Heck, who are they to step to you? Why do THEY have the right to be jackasses just cause they don’t like someone? You’re the adult trying to do your job. They are being unprofessional!
It sucks your boss let that person undermine you. If you can, I would personally ask my boss to direct everything to me, and make the person either act out and get reprimanded or they get on board.
I wish you luck. I don’t get along with as many people anymore, sometimes it sucks, but those who rise above the rest are more worth it.
So true! I have a lot of anxiety about keeping my job. I was laid off twice in one year (first for not folding on my desired career path, second for a company acquisition) shortly after having my second baby and going through a divorce from an abuser, so I don’t deal well with work conflict any more. I’m the only earner in the house, and I’m not sure I’m mentally well enough to handle another “layoff.” So I’m in the folding mode, but it’s hurting my already fragile mental health.
The self-deprecating tools are things like helping someone else come up with my idea so it doesn’t come from me, making it clear that I’m just advising, asking leading questions, small talk, etc. I know they aren’t great, but it’s hard to let go of things that have protected you. I’m way too blunt for my own good, naturally. I’m looking into the possibility that I am autistic, after that possibility was raised.
Yeah, I’m autistic too. Self-deprecating tools helped kids who felt intimidated by you on the school ground back off. Professionally? Eh. How much trust would you have in someone who always tell you how much they don’t trust themselves? Think about when you encounter it in the wild and how off putting it can be.
Sometimes it reads as “are they fishing for validation?” too. you always gotta be careful of that!