How much time have you spent being single?
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
What are / were the pros and cons?
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
What are the pros and cons?
I was born in 1987, sooooo, 36.5 years and counting…
I wasn’t mature enough to be interested in finding a girlfriend in school, when I started being interested I got fat and balding.
Then it has now gone so long that I am worried about how an inexperienced virgin would be seen by women in their 30s/40s.
I have a good job, limited debt, own my apartment and my car, have decent finances, have lived alone for ten years so can take care of chores, pay bills, I am a decent cook (if lazy), I enjoy photography and simple adventures.
I am a bit insecure of my weight, but am trying to work on it when I can, I go swimming 3 times a week during periods when I can do that.
The main issue is that I don’t know where to start finding someone.
Have you asked yourself wether it’s truly something you want for yourself, or instead, perhaps a feeling that you’re behind on some social benchmark? I ask because I’m 33 with a relatively similar experience, but when a woman I dated told me she thought I might be asexual, when I did the research and asked myself these questions I realized I was operating entirely on the supposition that I’m ‘normal’, and not that the urges to be in relationships and have sex likely stemmed from a perceived social obligation.
Once I realized that in my heart of hearts I’ve never actually experienced an urge to have sex with another person, I embraced an asexual identity. Without sex as a motivator, I soon realized I didn’t even experience romantic attraction.
Some folks think this is sad, but in truth I’m so much happier and carefree, without the pressures to fit into a mold that doesn’t actually fit me, much less the stresses of maintaining a relationship.
Ace gigachad.
That is a very good point, I have thought about it and mostly embraced the idea of never experiencing sex, and it sure is relaxing to just not worry about it.
On the other hand, I am quite lonely, I have few friends, and sometimes it is tough to deal with shit on my own.
Dealing with mycoplasma and pneumonia at the same time for one and a half months mostly on my own was not fun, even had to go to the hospital for that, and stayed two nights before starting to get better.
Sex for me would be interesting, I like learning how things work and with a partner who would be patient with me I think it would be quite enjoyable.
I know sex is a very important part of a relationship for many people, and I am mostly worried that I would be too disappointing in that area.
What I mainly am looking for in a relationship is companionship, I am getting tired of allways being alone, though I will concede that being single and living alone makes planning a breeze for the most part.
Finding likeminded people in yours 30s and 40s can be tough. I’ve had good luck meeting people at volunteer events that align with my hobbies/passion - for me it’s IT so I go to repair events, but also go to local community cleanup days, food banks, etc. I’m sure there’s something out there that works for your interests.
If volunteering isn’t your cup of tea, try taking a class at community college! There’s plenty of adult education courses that are mostly for fun and only last a few nights, like How to Make Pasta From Scratch, or How to Paint a Simple Oil Painting. They tend to draw a diverse crowd and it’s easy to chat and make friends. And maybe there will be a spark!
Don’t put too much pressure on your weight or baldness. That’s exactly the type of guy that many folks are looking for. Don’t wait until you fit your own idea of attractiveness to find someone who loves you for you!
Single about 25 years. I’m 71 and I absolutely love my life. I have lots of friends and a very active life, but I love coming home and being alone there. Before menopause I had a strong libido and terrible taste in men, so I had a lot of truly awful relationships, with endless drama.
It’s kind of by choice I guess, though I don’t get offers. A few years ago a guy gave me the eye and I contemplated it, until I caught sight of his bare feet. Oh dear god no. Self-care is important mate, you need to see a podiatrist.
The main con of being single for me is not enough hugs and cuddles. The pros are too many to give up for that though. I get to decide everything and make plans based on what I want. I can fart loudly, talk to my potplants and be lazy without Someone rolling their eyes, it’s bliss.
Removed by mod
Why thank you!
Hug and cuddle your friends and family! That’s what I’ve been doing and it’s awesome.
And maybe I’m biased because of lacking experience, but a relationship where you don’t (except maybe initially) feel comfortable farting out loud seems unhealthy…
I do hug my friends (and family when they visit from far, far away), I’m very huggy. Cuddling is another level of intimacy though. I do miss it, a bit.
My farts are so loud you probably heard me earlier and thought it was a car with engine trouble.
Bwahahahha 😂
I generally went a year and half after a break-up before swearing off women; once I swear off women I have a new girlfriend within two weeks. Never fails.
Two weeks! What do you do, such that you’re meeting new people so frequently? I don’t think I’ve met anyone new in years!
I’ve often said that most problems in my life could be attributed to lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, lack of partyin’, or lack of churchgoin’. The latter two certainly help meet people.
How much time have you spent being single?
Most of my life. I’ve had two serious relationships and one complicated one, none lasting more than six months. My last relationship ended in late 2019, so it’s been 4.5 years. I’m 33 this year, and have been single for about 31 years total.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Bit of both. I choose not to invest my time, money, and energy into pursuing a relationship, but sometimes that choice feels forced because I don’t have enough time, money, or energy to spare for pursuing a relationship. If it happens, it happens, but I’m not proactive about it because I’m focusing on work and my hobbies. If I ever find myself financially stable without working full time I might have time to actively pursue a relationship, but that’s not in the cards right now for my autistic ass. I spend almost all my free time recovering so I can go back to work.
I joined a LARP community and I go to board game and DnD meetups specifically to meet people and keep my social muscles healthy. Hopefully I’ll find a partner in those circles someday, but no luck so far. The unfortunate reality is that every girl I meet is already in a relationship. I have made a lot of friends, so mission accomplished as far as that goes, but the folks who say that joining hobby groups and hanging out with people who share your interests is the best way to find a partner are full of shit.
Finally, both of my serious relationships ended on good terms because my partner felt I did not communicate enough with them, while I felt the amount of communication they were expecting was too much for me to maintain, which made the relationship a source of stress and anxiety for me. We broke it off, and I’m still good friends with one of them. This is a problem with me that I’m not sure how to fix, and it’s very much not conducive to a healthy relationship. I hope I can find a partner who’s comfortable with that some day, but it’s made me leery of jumping into new relationships.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
No, but I don’t enjoy dating life, either. Life in general is an unending stream of demands, and I never get enough time to stop, breath, and reset. That’s true while I’m single, and it was true while I was dating.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
- My living space is my own. Everything stays exactly where I left it, and I can decorate as I please.
- I eat when and what I want. I can cook or eat out as I choose. Meals don’t need to be a production, and if I want to stock up and eat the same thing for weeks on end there’s no one to complain about it.
- My time is my own. I can schedule things whenever and I don’t need to coordinate calendars. If I need to travel for work I can drop everything and just go.
- No fucking kids. My niece, nephew, and soon to be 2nd nephew are plenty.
Cons:
- I’m so lonely. So very lonely.
- Porn addiction. I have a high sex drive, no healthy outlet for it, and it’s an easy dopamine hit for stress and anxiety relief.
- Financial stress. I’m barely getting by on a single income.
- Constantly questioning my identity. I think I’m some flavor of aromantic sex-positive asexual, and I suspect I’m bi and/or trans, but I’ve got no partner to explore my own gender and sexuality with. It’s hard to tell how much is real and how much is my mind spinning off the rails with nothing to latch on to.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes. I’d like to settle down with a fellow introvert so we can be alone together.
Currently somewhere around 10 years single.
I struggle with social cues, anxiety, etc.
It’s lonely.
I’ve been single for about 7 years myself & struggle with the same thing.
Would you say that you’re confident in yourself or not so much?
Confidence? Not so much. But it’s less a fear of rejection, and more a fear of upsetting someone.
In short, my thought process goes like this:
- Approaching women can make them uncomfortable.
- I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
- Therefore, I don’t approach women.
I basically limit myself to online dating, but as we all know, that’s a shit show unless you’re in the top 10% on the scale of attractiveness. And so I’ve been single 10+ years.
Coming up on 8 years. I’m in my late 20s.
I had a string of very intense relationships early on and found life much less stressful without one.
I have enjoyed it. But approaching my 30s I’ve realized how much I want to share my life with someone. I am fortunate enough to have many close friends, both male and female, and would love to have that chemistry and support available daily, in a more intimate context.
Pros, unquestionable agency. Cons, occasional intense loneliness and being unable to spend much time with friends who are in their own relationships.
A partnership is a goal of mine, yes. But I’m reaching for that goal by first working to make sure I’m the best possible version of myself that I can be.
I guess it depends. My relationships never lasted terribly long, but I was kind of a slut in my 20s. I deleted all my socials during the pandemic. So in the spirit of the question, 5 years. At first I needed some time alone, but then it just kind of happened. I’m open to the idea, but loneliness is preferable to the casino that dating apps became. I’m in my 30s, single friends of friends are thin on the ground. I don’t even know where 30 year olds meet each other. I wish the library was open late. I do enjoy the single life. I sleep in every morning. I spend my money how I wish. But people don’t realize how touch starved you get. No sex won’t kill you, but no intimacy might. Its why dudes can’t distinguish between friendly and sexual contact; they get none of it, especially after their mom dies. I don’t know. A girlfriend would be nice.
How much time have you spent being single?
Since the last “we might get married” relationship its been almost 15 years.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
The main reasons I am single are that I dont go out and socialize enough to find someone and I haven’t really tried to find someone because I didn’t feel I was in a good place to be in a relationship.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
I am ok being single but it would be nice to find my other half or at least have a stronger social network.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros: freedom, not being with someone that made me feel worse than being alone
Cons: can be lonely, a healthy relationship is more appealing.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Eventually I’d like to find “my other half” but I also know that there are worse things than being single and I’d rather make meeting my social needs my goal rather than not being single the goal.
29 years later this month
Both? Never had any good chances to ask anyone out, but also never had the drive to find one
As much as anyone with undiagnosed mental conditions who’s making $7.25 an hour possibly can
Don’t have to spend money on dates, don’t have to open up to anyone, but also don’t have any dates to spend money on, and don’t have anyone to open up to
At some point probably, but point #3 makes it hard
In total? Not sure. Current streak is about 5 years. I’m 26.
It’s by circumstance. I keep looking, keep going on dates, but it never works out. At this point it’s pretty difficult to find the confidence to ask someone out in the first place. I’m going to my first therapy session next week so maybe I’ll be able to work on that.
I enjoy single life, I have a bunch of friends who I spend time witg, but it would still be nice to be in a relationship.
Pro of being single is having more freedom, but I’m really missing physical intimacy.
Partnership is a goal for me. I just don’t want to bother people in public, even in bars, clubs etc. and dating apps suck.
How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?
The first 13 years of my life
How much time have you spent being single?
The aforementioned 13 years, plus sporadic times in my teen years and early adult years. I’ve been in a relationship with my wife since I was 21.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
N/A
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Yes, to a certain degree.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
1.) I was in control of my own life. I could just decide to do something - anything - and then just do it.
2.) Didn’t have to keep track of finances. If money disappeared from my account, it was because I spent it.
3.) If opportunities to be intimate with someone arose, I could go with the flow and see where the night takes me. I didn’t have to commit to anyone if I didn’t want to.
Cons:
1.) Loneliness. No one to spend your time with.
2.) No one to bounce ideas off of, or introduce interesting plans or events into my life. It made planning for things harder, and encouraged me to be a lazy/messy couch potato instead of going out and being productive.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes.
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.
What are the pros and cons?
Pros:
1.) No longer alone.
2.) I’ve been married to my best friend for 15 years, so every day is fun and exciting.
3.) My wife encourages me to get out and do stuff. I’ve been on trips across Europe, Asia, and America. I’ve been on 3 separate luxury cruise lines; one in the Mediterranean and two in the Caribbean. Without my wife, I would’ve just stayed home and missed out on all those life experiences.
4.) I have shared hobbies with my wife, so I always have a partner for the fun things I want to do.
5.) We also have separate hobbies, so when one of us needs alone time, we both can focus on something we want to do without the other for a while.
6.) We’re more productive together. Alone, we’d just veg out and watch TV or doom scroll the Internet. But together, we can discuss various topics and explore new and fun things together.
7.) Getting laid is easy (unless you’re partner makes it difficult). No more prowling clubs/bars or dating apps and settling for someone just to get your rocks off. You have a willing partner at home who, if you’re in a healthy relationship, should be willing to get down with you most anytime. And you know their sexual history, so no worrying about getting an STI or something.
8.) If you’re in a healthy relationship, you have someone who you can truly be yourself around. You won’t need to put on a mask and pretend to be someone you’re not. It’s quite liberating to have someone who sees you at your worst in the privacy of your own home and still wants to be with you.
Cons:
1.) Every major decision needs to be audited by my partner. I can’t just decide to do something; I need to run it by my wife first. I’m in a healthy relationship, so I can just decide to do stuff on my own all the time and it’s not a big deal. But my relationship is also healthy because I include my wife in my planning, even if she’s not going to be involved. I don’t just run off to “hang out with the boys.” I give her opportunities to be involved, and if she chooses to stay at home instead of come out with me, that’s totally her decision. Or if she needs a night in with me, I cancel plans to spend time with her. I spend enough time with her that it’s not a big deal if I want to go do something on my own every now and then.
2.) I’m legally committed to this relationship (marriage), so if a better opportunity for a relationship comes along, I can’t just see where it takes me. My options are to cheat, or go through a lengthy divorce process before proceeding. Or do nothing and remain loyal to my spouse. It’s too risky/costly to attempt the first two, so I just don’t bother looking for other opportunities. I vowed to be loyal, so unless my wife makes my life a living nightmare, I’m sticking with her until the end.
3.) Aligning life goals can be difficult if you didn’t talk it out before committing to a serious relationship. And in the early years of a relationship, who wants to discuss the rest of your life together? It’s easy to get invested in someone whose life plans don’t match up with yours. So you have to live with compromise. Some dreams, you have to give up. Same goes for your partner.
4.) Unless your partner is responsible with finances, expect to have trouble keeping track of your money. Or just maintain separate bank accounts. Hopefully your partner isn’t a golddigger. My wife cares more about spending time with me than spending my money, so we have a healthy relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with spending money on someone you love. But if it seems like your partner only cares about your money and will leave you if/when the money dries up, it’s better to leave that relationship as soon as possible.
5.) Relationships are a gamble. You never know if it’s going to go smoothly, or if your partner is just using you for something until a better opportunity passes by. Hopefully you have a healthy relationship, and the cornerstone to that is trust and communication. But there are always master manipulators out there who will convince you that you need to stay in a relationship with them, even if it doesn’t make you happy. They’ll convince you that being lonely is worse than being in a broken/abusive relationship. If your partner starts isolating you from friends/family and doesn’t let you make decisions, you’re in an abusive relationship and need to get out immediately!
You sound like you’re in a lovely relationship!
Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.
What kind of compromises would you consider healthy vs. unhealthy in a partnership?
Healthy: Discussing and evaluating goals, dreams, desires, etc. and coming to a mutually beneficial agreement or understanding on a way forward.
Unhealthy: Being told your dreams/goals/desires/etc. are not reasonable and to give up on them (or change them to the benefit of your partner) for the sake of a continued relationship.
Yes, sometimes to do have to give up on a dream due to changing situations, and it sucks, but it should always be your decision. If someone gives you the ultimatum (choose me or your dreams), there’s no room for discussion or true compromise.
Right now, I’m five and a half years out of my previous one. Basically, recovering and growing up before I start another one.
At this point I’m scared though because it’s been way longer than I thought it would take
38 years and counting. Do I win?
I was in two brief relationships with the same person some 10 years ago. I am single certainly by choice, I’m a sovereign person who loves their absolute independence, I get to do or not do whatever I want, whenever I want. Committing to be with someone is not my thing.
Sometimes it’s lonely when a certain kind of friend is not available. Befriending single people is always a gamble, if they enter a relationship they are likely to fade out of existence pretty quick.
How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?
About 14 years (I’m 22).
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Not by choice.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
No.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros: More free time, less drama
Cons:
- I don’t get to experience what it feels like to be loved or to have any kind of intimacy (cuddling, kissing, sex, pair dancing, etc.)
- It will be much harder to find affordable housing once I stop being a student
- I feel excluded when my friends talk about their relationships
- My parents are going to be disappointed
- If I want to have children in the future (I’m not sure yet), it probably won’t be a possibility
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes, obviously.
Short but to the point comment: at 22, you have more than 10 years to have children. Probably closer to 20. Release yourself from the invisible trap you are in.
