As of this post, I am about seven and a half months into my transition (mtf). I’ve had talks with all of my friends, and all of those went great! I have been overwhelmed with the love and support from everybody. Some of those conversations were scarier for me than others, but none of them were as intimidating to me as a conversation with my parents.
I don’t live with my parents, and I haven’t for a long time. I have a complicated relationship with them because my childhood was less than ideal, but they recognize that they did a bad job, and we are all in much better places in our lives. Since we’ve all been living well, I’ve been making an effort to try to become better friends with them. This meant that I would probably have to talk with them about my transition some time, because it was getting more and more obvious in my appearance.
Yesterday, I took my mom out to try sushi for the first time. We talked candidly about a lot of things, but I didn’t feel like the middle of the sushi restaurant was an ideal place to spring transition news. I had a really great time hanging out with her, and she said that she did as well! That was the first time the two of us had hung out since I can remember. The interaction was so positive that it made me feel guilty for not being open with her about my identity.
That guilt kind of ate at me for the rest of the day, and so in the evening I sent her a message to schedule a call. She responded very quickly to tell me that she was open to call immediately, and I took her up on it. After some pleasantries, I informed her through tears that I am going through a transition, and have been for many months. She calmly listened to my explanation, then tactfully replied that both she and my dad already knew this, and figured I would probably want to talk to them about it some day.
I do not know why, but this made me want to throw up. Something about Dorothy peeking through my Wizard of Oz curtain, seeing me handling the levers and dials, and then waiting patiently for me to decide that it was time to address it gave me an unpleasant taste. Truthfully, the talk went about as well as I could have expected. Once we got past the, “Uh, yeah. We could tell,” part of the conversation, she made sure that I knew that the two of them love me, and they are happy that I am happy. She said it in a way that conveyed she didn’t know why I was doing it, but would love me through whatever. That didn’t surprise me at all, and was fine.
Despite the talk going pretty well, I have spent the past day flashing back to that conversation and wanting to scream lol. It has been a while since I’ve seen a therapist, and I have a feeling that I might have some complicated emotions bound up that I’m not consciously aware of. Because I have been feeling so strongly about it, I thought perhaps writing it down and possibly getting some input from fellow trans people might help.
tl;dr, Told my mom I was transitioning. Apparently she already knew, and nobody was bringing it up. Made me feel ill, like screaming, etc. Unsure why, talk went fine.
If I understand correctly, you feel weird that she knew about you transitioning, but didn’t say anything. To me, it sounds like a nice thing: she waited for you to be ready, allowed you to say it on your own terms instead of risking to confront you at a bad time. Also, you say that your relationship wasn’t the best with her, but she still knew, to me that sounds like she still has a strong connection with you and feels and senses you the way only a mother does, which is great because it sounds like you really care about your relationship with your parents.
Thanks a ton for reading my post! That’s a really helpful reframing, honestly. I am sure she waited just to give me space to find the right time. And yeah, makes sense that a mother is more likely to just know lol. She knows me in a way most people never will.
I think I understand where you’re coming from. Do you maybe feel overly observed (for lack of a better word)? Like, transitioning is fairly messy, complicated, and hard, and you feel a little like you’ve been put under a microscope without your knowledge? I’m sure you intellectually know that she was just waiting until you were comfortable discussing it with her, but I could see you reacting how you are regardless.
If that’s not why you feel the way you do, is it possible you feel a little let down? Transitioning is one of the biggest things you can do as a person, and you built up to coming out, only for her to already know? I’ve heard that feeling expressed by a lot of queer people.
PS You’re not alone in your family figuring everything out before you tell them. My parents had noticed breast growth and put two and two together years before I came out to them!
Thanks for taking the time to read this long post!
Yeah, it’s always tough when logically you know the reality of a situation, but it doesn’t change how you feel about it haha. I think it was a bit of a “let down” to have it not be surprising, but also, I think if I’m honest, I was a little embarrassed. I know that I shouldn’t be, but after some contemplation, I have a feeling that might be a factor lol
Hey that’s awesome that the talk went well! I can understand the mixed feelings in then just knowing and waiting for you. It at the same time… it can be frustrating thinking you might have been hiding it or that you were building up to nothing. But that sounds like it might be a really good outcome?
Honestly I’m really hoping my parents respond the same way but I don’t think it’s likely.
Anyway that’s exciting that you are making moves to the person you want to be! I’m currently avoiding telling people because I’m afraid of the reactions hah.
That definitely sounds like some complex feelings. Feelings like that are real, and generally point to some unresolved issues, or some nuance your body picked up, or something important. Sometimes the feelings are about how things are currently, and sometimes its about how things used to be. Either way, it can help to not ignore them, and approach the feelings with curiosity. Talking to a therapist can definitely help!
Just wanted to say congrats and I’m very proud of you!!
Thank you!
Congrats! I get the feeling I’ll have a similar reaction from my mom, that or an “oh that makes a lot of things make sense now.”
My dad is fuckin’ oblivious and reacts badly to surprises so who knows on that front…
Thank you! I hope when the time comes, that talk goes as well for you as it did for me. Yeah, my dad is like that haha, I get you
Thanks for sharing
Thanks for readin’!