Recently had a conversation with a good friend about dating, and it had me curious about how everyone on Beehaw approaches dating. Tell me a bit about how you date! Here’s a few prompts/thoughts I’m curious about:
- How long does it take for you to know if you’re attracted to someone (sexually, romantically, emotionally, shared interests, etc)?
- What do you like to do when you date and does it change depending on how many dates you’ve been on or how well you know the person?
- Once you start dating someone, how long does it take you to understand whether you want to date the person long term or whether it’s not going to work out?
- Do you only date people you meet in real life or do you use dating apps? How do you approach going from stranger to dating them?
- What’s most important in deciding whether you want to date someone? Do they need to have an interest in activities you enjoy, shared values, emotional intelligence, a certain kind of humor, or something else?
- Is there something you don’t understand about dating and want to share your frustration?
I use a calendar… to check how long has it been since I dated someone 😐
Anywho, once upon a time…
It takes me about 10 seconds to know whether I’m attracted to someone or not. We used to play a game of “what are they thinking” as kids, and it taught me to instinctively look for micro expressions, how someone moves, how they talk, where they look, etc. to figure out a general personality profile, with a range of possibilities of how they will react in several situations.
Generally speaking, I get attracted to people whom I can’t “read” in that way.
Whether I’d want to date someone long-term or not, boils down to how long it takes me to get a “read” on them and be able to predict their behavior. It may take a day or a month, but when I can predict every next disagreement, and there are not enough shared interests, it gets me bored out. Even with friendships, being able to predict every disagreement and every response, becomes tedious after a few years and makes me drift away.
Some other compelling reasons, like a murderous ex, or getting sick and not being able to travel to meet, can also cool things down quite fast.
I’ve mostly dated IRL, with one exception. Sometimes I met them first online, but that usually didn’t do it for me, I had to meet IRL to get interested. The one time 100% online, was not from a dating app, but from a forum… with a somewhat convoluted story I don’t want to talk too much about (it didn’t work out in the end anyway). IRL, it’s as simple as saying “Hi”… and honestly I couldn’t say what happens next, “just talk” and “be yourself”. Having learned about the PUA scene afterwards, I’ve noticed some behaviors that seem to come naturally, like synching body language, slight banter, telling a joke or two, maybe a logic puzzle or simple magic trick, and so on. I’m not interested in people who don’t get interested in me, so no need for any BS tactics (actually seeing guys tryhard them, makes me laugh… probably been lucky to not get punched more than once).
Some shared interests are a must, ideally with non-shared interests that complement each other’s. Some shared values too, or at least not radically opposite ones. Some basic emotional intelligence is important, but I can deal with some lack of it… and while I don’t ask anyone for their IQ, over time it’s turned out that only above-average seems to work (I’m guessing that’s why I can’t “read” them in the first place). I’d put sense of humor along interests, with one exception: laughing at people, for something they aren’t responsible for, is a red line. I don’t have a body type, but extremes make me wary. Another red line, is smokers; I can stand some second hand smoke, but I’m not dating an ashtray. Same for alcoholics and other drug addicts. Curiously, I can’t smell marihuana, or truffles for that matter, so that wouldn’t necessarily be a problem… but I’ve noticed marihuana users tend to get on my nerves both when they aren’t high, and when they are (not exactly sure how that works).
And I guess I don’t really understand online dating, or whether there is any chance for people who are depressed, sick, and kind of broke (as in, I wouldn’t date myself right now, so why would anyone).