just finished part one of my latest big project. not much to report; this has kept me very busy for the past week and change
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Had a job interview today, so a mix of excitement and anxiety. Even on a good day, I can’t go without a heavy dose of anxiety 😄
My week has had it’s ups and downs. The down is that I’m still sick and can barely sleep due to coughing every fifteen minutes. The major up though is that the company I interviewed for two weeks ago called and told me they’d like me to come on board with them, which I’m excited for.
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Lately I’ve been feeling rather lonely. It’s probably at least in part because I’ve had far too much time on my hands and not enough to do with that time, partly because I’ve been sick for the last few days and isolating and had to cancel some plans, and partly because I’ve been reading up a bit more about the aro experience. Oh and maybe a dash of watching my nesting partners relationship with her two wives slowly degrade in real time.
I know I’m loved. There’s no shortage of people who find me interesting and compassionate and a lovely person, but very few of these people want more than a basic friendship and that feels rather isolating. It also doesn’t help that I am often reminded of how little I truly understand other humans and how they approach relationships, attraction, etc. I want a deeper connection with someone, someone to build something together with, someone who I know will be there for me in the ways I’m there for others but as time goes on it just seems like more and more like a fantasy. I feel like I’m often just treated like a helpful tool that’s well liked but never anyone’s first choice.
On the other hand I know in ways I’m catastrophizing and things really aren’t all that bad, I’m living a healthy life in a beautiful city surrounded by people I love and I have healthy relationships. I just wish I could be content with what I have because the search for something more is so exhausting at times.
You’re yearning for more?
Yes. I’m poly and have partners, including one that I live with, but she lives in the other room with her two partners. So it’s a nesting partner and we are building things together (the space we both co-habitate) but it feels kinda surface level because while we do talk a lot about what happens in her life, there’s also a lot that I don’t hear about until it’s already gone through her two partners. There’s a distance between us which I’m fine with, but it’s not what people often think when you say you have a nesting partner. Also, she really only has sex with those two girls and not with me. We do some kink stuff from time to time, but it’s mostly a dead bedroom situation and our relationship is maybe more of a QPR nowadays than it used to be.
I don’t want to be monogamous because I don’t believe it’s a particularly useful framework and I don’t want to be hierarchical because I think that’s inflexible to the realities of life and I don’t like power imbalances, but I do want something more akin to an anchor partner. I want someone that I can see regularly, someone which I can build something together with. Someone who isn’t just there if I come calling, but actively reaches out to me as well. It would be nice if they have a high sex drive like I do, but ultimately I’m poly and could theoretically find that somewhere else. A lot of my poly relationships today are people I see on average one or two times a month, outside of the girl I live with, and while I know all of them are committed, they spend the majority of their time with their other partners and when I feel like some of my needs are not getting met, it’s hard not to be left feeling want.
You don’t want to use the monogamous framework of relationship: OK. But, you cannot expect someone to sustain a relationship with you, and satisfy your desires/need if you’re not the only person they’re dating.
The « monogamous » framework is only what you make of it. You want no power imbalances, you want it to be flexible, work on it with your partner. If you don’t feel satisfied in a polygamous couple, then try monogamy without expecting the best, but also the worse.
Just love 😉!
you cannot expect someone to sustain a relationship with you, and satisfy your desires/need if you’re not the only person they’re dating
You’re welcome to feel however you wish about relationships, but please don’t assume how it works for you is how it works for everyone else. Being able to satisfy desires and needs has nothing to do with how many people you are dating, it has to do with matching needs/desires and willingness to fulfill them. Even in relationships which are monogamous, there are many folks who do not get all their needs and desires satisfied by their singular partner and are left wanting or find ways to get those needs filled elsewhere.
I also do not expect to get all of my needs met by one person. No one can do this. In many cases where people believe that they are doing this, they are often in codependent relationships. Humans are meant to be social, with many people, and to get their needs met by many. For example, you may have a friend or partner who is deeply supportive, but does not challenge you and a friend or partner who challenges you but may at times feel a bit less supportive because they challenge you - I would argue both of these are needs at different times for different situations, but it is extremely unlikely that you will find someone who is flexible enough to do both at the right times. In the same way, there are many needs that humans have that we get through our social support networks, and relying on a single person is, in my mind at least, either folly or cognitive dissonance.
try monogamy
I did a single 10 year long monogamous relationship, I was poly before it and poly after. There were many great things about that relationship and I still love her a lot, but monogamy just isn’t right for me.
You’re welcome to feel however you wish about relationships, but please don’t assume how it works for you is how it works for everyone else.
Hey sorry but like chill, I just tried to suggest something, it’s not like I’m trying to force something unto you. I apologise if I was mean, just wanted to send some love ❤️
So: You don’t believe that you can be happy in a monogamous relationship but can’t seem to find satisfaction either in a polygamous relationship…. Must be hard, are you like… still missing her?
It’s cliché but… maybe try to sort out your feelings and have a talk with your partners.
EDIT: if you need recommendations of things to do to escape your mind for some time, can help you find games/books/hobbies.
I appreciate the sentiment and sending love. Sorry if I came off a bit bristly.
A few bits of clarification:
- Polyamory is not polygamy, please use the right language.
- I don’t think it’s fair to say I can’t find satisfaction in poly relationships. There are many axes in which I am very satisfied with my relationships. It’s just that all of my needs aren’t being met, which is extremely common in monogamous relationships as well. I was mostly venting about that in my original comment.
- I have regular conversations with all of my partners, they’re well aware of how I feel and all very supportive.
- I appreciate that you’re attempting to help. I get the feeling, however, that you’re not super well versed in what being poly entails or the misconceptions that mono folks often have (not to mention outright bigotry in some cases) about being poly.
I’m never opposed to recommendations. What books have captured your interest as of late?
Cleaning house which is good. Selling old smartphones is turning out out to be a pain. Got my windows desktop turned into kubuntu! Overall been pretty happy with it
also trying out mastodon again, will see how that goes
Late for presents preparation as usual. A piece a broken glass punctured my bicycle tire today, hopefully I wasn’t far from home. Day job is good. I can’t complain much.
I just got glasses! And Mexican foods! Yaaaywheeeee! wigglespins happily and see-ily!!
Apparently everycritter must know! does a goofy lil dance, shares noms :3Another date update, I’m going out with her a second time tomorrow for some drinks at a cafe and looking around a CEX. Looking forward to it a lot again, can’t wait to kiss her again, I feel so childish when it comes to this stuff despite almost being 21.
My back pain is returning. It woke me up at 5am, so I’m having an early day today. On the plus side, that meant a nice sunrise breakfast with the wifey. Overall I feel like I have a lot to be thankful for, but the state of the world and especially the thought of election day 2024 makes me feel uneasy. I try not to think about it.
Great, that date I had the Friday before last looks like it’s gonna turn into at least a short term relationship, very possibly a long term one. Kinda terrified but excited at the same time since it’s my first ever, but it looks like I’m in good hands with this girl when it comes to her guiding me intitially.
I’ve been living with my best friend and his partner as roommates for two years. Recently my partner and I have been looking at houses. I really like my friend, it would be so nice if they contributed around the house, which they only do if the task is scoped, explained to them, and the tools provided. I wish the metafilter emotional labor post was assigned reading in school
finished my last final yesterday, so it’s all smooth sailing from here on to January! excited to kick back, hang out with some friends, and try to enjoy the holidays. also happy i finally have time to game- been looking at baldurs gate and slay the spire, but i didn’t want that kind of distraction during my term :)
We managed to declutter two big rooms; now we can finally walk!
There was a box with memories dating back to '87! People were crafty. That gave me the idea to make pop-up cards as gifts for xmas, though I’ve never made one.
its fine!! thanks for asking!! happy holidays :D
Well my week is now going shit, girl I was dating told me she isn’t interested in me romantically, we can still be friends maybe if I can get over her, but fuck it hurts so much for something so little.
