As the title says, my first love whom I’ve missed dearly has just contacted me and it’s thrown my world upside down. We met when we were both 14 and spent a little under 4 years together. It was a wildly inappropriate relationship from the start by the standards today, but we both suffered abusive and absent parents, so found each other. We spent all the time we could together, at the cost of our studies, friends, what little family there was and all else. We were absolutely codependent, physically living as adults and were each other’s worlds.
I’m now marred to my wife of 20 years and we have a home together, no children but a successful life by any measure. I love my wife dearly and tell her almost everything, she knows about the contact and encouraged me to start a conversation with my first love. I’ve avoided difficult things in the past, employing avoidance rather than facing things head on, and this is why she encouraged me.
It’s been wonderful to speak to my first love again, and it’s brought up emotions I thought long gone. I’m not sleeping, eating little and completely preoccupied by thoughts of what we once had; I feel love sick, but for a squandered past, not a realistic present. I’m bipolar so this is particularly dangerous for me and for anyone else out there like me, I’m working to try and stay grounded, away from the mania and get some rest, but it’s hard.
I broke off the relationship back then, because I was afraid of what we were committing to and because I was being manipulated by a very toxic group of people who in hindsight, only wanted to sow chaos and take pleasure in my humiliation. I was not diagnosed back then and so was particularly vulnerable when experience the extremes. If I knew now what I knew then, I would not have been so reckless with her emotions, as it caused her immense pain and led her on a path of self destruction for a number of years.
She’s has moved back to near where I live after being on the other side of the country for the past nearly 3 decades. I desperately want to meet her for coffee and look at her eyes again, but I’m also supremely cautious because I don’t want to upset my wife and am also afraid of what I might be feeling.
Any advice gratefully received on how I navigate this. I should also mention that whereas I don’t have children, my first love does and two of them are quite young, one is an adult.
—EDIT—
Thank you all of you for your advice and guidance, and for your kindness in share it with me. I ate some food last night and have slept, which has brought the mania back down to a more manageable level, and with that I’ve taken on board and heard all that you’ve collectively said.
My plan is to talk to my wife this weekend about what I’ve been going through and ask how she would feel about having a coffee with my first love. I really thought through what matters most to me and it’s the present, the future and that is with my wife. She’s a wonderful woman who has helped me through so much and my life now wouldn’t even be recognisable to 18 year old me. Through her I found the strength to recover from addiction, face my mental health demons, go to University and become the successful privacy lawyer I am today. All of this would not have happened without her strength and support.
If you’re reading this you probably wonder why the voice above the edit, and the voice below it, are so different in tone; the answer is my bipolar disorder and it’s sometimes extremely hard for me to see that change happening.
Just forget about it. No good will come of this. Best case scenario, you meet up and realize that you are different people and what you had back then was what it was and you’re romanticizing it. Worst case, you throw away a life you’ve made with a wife for 20 yrs and you fuck up her two kids family. Nothing good will come from this. Keep the past in the past.
Your post made me a bit cross, because I think I know you’re right. Thank you for that, probably needed someone to tell me that.
Besides the excellent way that Logan put it for you, I just wanted to add some game of thrones context for you, as Aegon (IIRC) said to Jon Snow, “kill the past, so the future may live”. Young love goggles are nice, but you are both different people.
I typed that up quick and admittedly, I could’ve phrased it differently. The intent of my words I stand behind though. Thanks for not biting my head off :)
You need to talk to a professional (e.g. A therapist familiar with bipolar). This would be complicated even if you didn’t have the added complication of the bipolar mania.
But if you won’t do that, here’s a TL;DR.
You do not know this person. A lifetime has passed since you knew them. You are painting a rosier picture of the past than necessarily existed. Do not throw away what you have for a fantasy.
Thanks friend, others suggested this too and I have two extra appointments confirmed for the next two weeks to discuss this. Appreciate you looking out for me here, genuinely I do.
Your wife knows about the contact, instead of coffee for just two of you, invite your old friend over for coffee and to meet your wife. It may help you settle some of the distress you’re feeling to recontextualize this person from your past with your anchors in your present.
I had genuinely not thought of that, it slightly fills me with fear to have past and present sat around our table.
It’s really not worth it. We all long for things in the past when we were younger and life was more exciting. Stick with the present and future. Meeting up with this past lover is a really bad idea.
How is “talk to your wife” not the top comment?
All relationships are different. In some partners don’t even want the other looking at someone else (pretty toxic imo) others are polyamorous, and everything between. None of us can know your relationship well enough to give very solid advice. At best we can offer our opinions based on our experience and values.
I’m shocked that someone said the best you can hope for is realizing that you’re different people now. That’s not a best, that’s a minimum. You’ve spent decades apart. But that doesn’t mean that you couldn’t be good friends. Hell, for all we know you’ve got a type and she and your wife would become good friends.
But the first step has to be communication. Going to meet an old flame only for it to be discovered later looks incredibly suspicious even if those are not the circumstances.
For my part I would suggest telling your wife you’ve been thinking about meeting up with her for coffee or whatever because it’s been so long and that maybe you could meet up with your wife after. That gives you the chance to get your footing but obligates you to get them together.
At the heart of it though, I think, is who you don’t trust. You clearly don’t trust yourself with your ex, but which of these two women are you having trouble with? Neither, one, both? Answer that question and I think you’ll have an easier time sorting out your troubles.
Thanks for the advice, you took time on that and I genuinely appreciate it. On the question, I think I don’t trust myself and my first love. I trust my wife without question. I think speaking to her about meeting up was always in my mind to do but I was worried about what might happen at the meeting, or as a result of the meeting. Talking is indeed absolutely the right course of action.
I’m going to go against the popular options so far and suggest you do it, but while making sure your wife is okay with that.
Ask your old friend if it would be okay if you can meet her with your wife. Ask your wife the same and then meet her with your wife there with you. Maybe include the children so it’s a fun meeting between the families.
I have a feeling that a situation like this might help you snap out of all the worries you’re immersed in and enjoy reconnecting with an old friend without doubting your current partnership with your wife.
That’s a curveball, friend, but I like your style. Open chats with all parties, make it a family affair. A touch of honesty can work wonders.
Hope you find a solution that works for you :) I read many of your replies and sincerely hope you find a solution. My tangential suggestions would be to try some grief counseling/therapy about the friend who passed away and talk to a therapist and if necessary a couple’s counselor about the sleeping in two beds issue.
Thanks again my friend, I appreciate you and your advice. I have booked two additional sessions with my counsellor to discuss this issue and I’ve been working through the grief with them, but it’s hard. Loosing someone to suicide is so difficult to process, I’ve lost people before but this feels like grief with an amplifier attached. I’ll work it through. The separate beds started after that because it had a lot of difficulty sleeping and didn’t want my wife to have to lose sleep too, but you are right, I need to talk it all through and face it. Thank you again.
No worries. I know what you mean. I’ve had someone close to me pass away like this and I don’t even remember the first year after that. Everything was on autopilot.
I’ve found it useful to do something with your hands that let you express yourself such as painting, woodworking or gardening. Especially because I’ve a hard time vocalising things like this.
Good on you for taking care of your own mental health :) That in itself is a great achievement.
I’m sorry for your loss my friend, and I appreciate what you’re saying. My thing is poetry and verse, I’ve been trying to get back to it but everything I seem to write isn’t good. I did however sleep for a solid six hours last night and wrote something this morning about letting first love go which I’m actually proud of. I find it very cathartic. I also struggle to speak out loud what I’m feeling, but writing it is somehow easier for me.
Sending you the very best vibes.
Thank you :) I’m proud of you for sleeping well and doing something you loved.
Poetry is great for expressing things that can’t be easily vocalised.
I write too but articles rather than poetry I have struggled with writing after my PTSD started. Reading how you’ve persisted has inspired me to try again. Thank you!
Thank you, and remember you got this.
A good marriage/partnership is worth protecting. People chase self actualization and blow up their lives all the time.
Maybe give your attention to improving your current relationship? Therapy together? Something that will improve your already good life.
Wishing you the best.
Thanks friend, I appreciate it.
Of course. I truly wish you the best.
In your situation, I wouldn’t. I’d leave the past in the past, particularly given the fact that you’ve found love with someone else.
Thank you, I appreciate you and your advice. Would it change things if I said my wife and I had slept in separate beds for the past two years?
Why would it? Is that a problem for you? If so, talk to your wife about it.
There are literally hundreds of posts on the old relationship subreddits that start out the way yours did and end up having a “I pursued this new thing and deeply regret it” update.
In the end, only you know what’s best, but it’s probably good that you’re crowdsourcing opinions. Be sure to talk about it with the people you’re close to who know you.
Kings and queens had separate beds too. My wife and I sleep in different beds. It’s fairly common. If you guys aren’t intimate that’s different. If you’re not intimate and you’re wife is encouraging you to speak with this old flame then there are some real issues most likely.
Stay friends if you want. Good friends are hard to come by but DONT let it become anymore than that. You said you have a good life with your wife who you love dearly. Dont throw it away for what could have been.
Simply put? Meeting her is a bad idea because you very clearly have feelings for your ex. If you’re having feelings then that’s something you might want to discuss that with your wife too… she’s been incredibly accepting so far, but you realizing you still have feelings (or might) is something you need to be honest about.
What is your intent in meeting your former flame for coffee? What are you hoping will happen? What are you afraid might happen?
Maybe process your thoughts and feelings out with a counsellor/ pyschologist? They’ll be unbiased and can help ground you to a healthy frame of mind.
My take:
A platonic relationship might be worthwhile with this person but keep some stuff in mind: are you nostalgic for a relationship (platonic) with them or are you nostalgic for that time where they were there for you during a formative time in your life?
Not only do you have by your account a good thing happening with your current partner, but this other person who returned to your life has likely drifted. The 2 of you aren’t the same people you were decades ago. You’ve both gone off and done your own things and grown on your own in that time. You’re different people now (or at least you should be). Yeah, it sounds like things are being churned up but both of you have had literal decades to reimagine one another in idealized terms. I assure you that despite the excitement and dopamine hit that you should not be brash or act on anything other than friendship. Good on you for letting your current partner know what’s happening. Good rule of thumb if you want to reestablish contact with this person from your past is to think, “would I be comfortable telling my partner this detail of this interaction” before acting on anything.
At the end of the day it’s your choice and your life but there are certain things you can’t walk back
Well, I’ll tell you what, that’s a good piece of wisdom you’ve shared. Much obliged, friend. Thanks for taking the time to share it with me, I do genuinely appreciate it.
Yeah, I keep thinking of it like a high school reunion. Of course you connect, but it’s all nostalgia doing the heavy lifting. It’s easy and comfortable to fall into old patterns/roles and of course there’s that connection… but you’re not in high school anymore
Thank you friend, appreciate it and no sir or ma’am, I am definitely a long way from high school. I like the phrasing of “nostalgia doing the heavy lifting”, you’re speaking the truth and I hear you.
This exact thing happened to several people in my parents friend group… it didn’t work out a single time. Whatever issues you have with your wife, work on them or break up but don’t get together with the new lady before you figure out why you would ever think these feelings were anything other than infatuation. I know that sounds harsh but I’ve literally seen this again and again and everytime people got hurt very badly.
You and being lured by the fantasy. The “good memories” of the time you had, and the not realistic ideas of what could be, the fantasy. Just like anybody and porn, the idea of banging or being with that person seems fucking awesome and appealing. Remind yourself of reality, ground yourself from the fantasy, you have acquired baggage, so has she. You are different people, whether you realize it or not.
Logically and emotionally walk through the consequences: You both suddenly fall madly in love with each other. You cheat on your spouse, who has shared everything with you for two decades. You hurt your wife terribly, because she trusted you. You betrayed that trust. Now Imagine she did that, put yourself in her shoes, and not for just a quick thought. Really think about how you would feel if you encouraged her to be strong and grow (as you have for 20 years one hopes). And she leaves you for a childhood fantasy from over 20 years ago. Think about how much that would hurt you. Think about the repercussions. Think about what your friends and families would think and how they would react to her leaving you like that. After all that can you really consider doing that to her?
Recognize that it is just a fantasy. Think of all the time you would have wasted by throwing what you have built away.
And if you still want to meet her and catch up and risk trying to create a PLUTONIC friendship with her… Here is my advice: BRING YOUR WIFE. It will make your position clear to the old flame. when you meet, focus yourself on talking about the life you and the wife have had together and about how great she is. And in your head focus on the flames defects, find defects, everyone has them. Remind yourself that the woman your with has compromised and ignored your faults helped you grow, as you have helped her. This old flame has been out of your life for two decades and isn’t in a relationship. That is a giant bright red flag, you may have moved past the issues you had growing up. She may have not grown at all.
Personally I wouldn’t risk it, but if you do focus on how much you love and don’t want to hurt your spouse and destroy everything you have built together. Once you break that trust, you may Never get it back. (How much would you trust her if she banged an old flame, or left you and then tried to come back?)
The way that you react to your ex seems like they bring you back to an older mindset. Problem is that wasn’t a healthy mindset. The way you talk about her sounds more like a recovering addict being tempted to use again, rather than someone making a rational decision. If you decided to pursue a relationship with your ex, I can’t see it ending particularly well. Maybe the problem is that she personifies a lot of your regrets and insecurities and guilt, and the temptation is there because you think you might be able to to do it “right” this time now that you’re older and more mature, but that’s never a good reason to re-enter a relationship, that’s the devil talking. The fact that it’s bringing up the old emotions and feeling so much like it did back when you were 14 is a huge red flag. If you ever decide to get back into a relationship with an ex, it should be because it doesn’t feel the same as it used to, because you’re both different people now. Only then do you maybe have a chance of avoiding the same issues that drove you apart last time. But even then it’s a huge risk. And that’s not even factoring the fact that you’re married. Even if you’re feeling unsatisfied in your marriage, that’s something you should address first and foremost before even thinking about pursuing another relationship with someone else. Sometimes the grass on the other side only seems greener because we’ve stopped tending our own fields, if you know what I mean.
I think you should be open with your wife about it, tell her that you’re worried about the feelings talking with your ex has been bringing up and you’re not sure if it’s a good idea to get involved with her. And be honest with the friend too, so if you do decide to break things off, then she’ll at least know that it’s not something she did wrong, it was just that there’s too much baggage there and you’re not ready to address it yet.
If you don’t want to cut her out entirely, then you can always just take a rain check for now. Maybe work through your own feelings first, away from your ex, see a therapist about it even, and then you can try to form a friendship with her again when you feel more emotionally stable and see how that goes. Ideally you should feel more like you want to get to know her for who she is now, and less like you’re an addict craving who she used to be and what you used to have with her. But if that goes the same way, then sometimes it’s better to just let yourselves live different, separate lives.
There was a woman that I was in love with a little over 20 years ago. She was my idea of physically attractive–definitely not most people’s idea of attractive–and was so entirely fundamentally broken that it triggered intense feelings of being protective towards her along with desire. She was smart, sarcastic, liked cats (yeah, that’s pretty important), and was also entirely addicted to opiates and cocaine. She was very open about how fucked up she was. I was fucked too; I was not a mentally or emotionally healthy person in the least.
If I had ended up being in a long-term relationship with her, I would almost certainly have ended up dead by now; I either would have gotten equally addicted to opiates, or I would have killed myself at some point. Thankfully, since I couldn’t supply her with drugs, she wasn’t interested in anything long-term with me.
I look her up every so often on Facebook. She’s still alive, and posts the same kind of angsty cringe shit she would have posted if Facebook had existed 20-odd years ago (and, to be brutally honest, the kind of angsty cringe shit I used to post before I quit doing anything except lurking). If I spoke with her again, I’d probably have to deal with the same unresolved feeling again, because there really isn’t a resolution to them. It would be dangerous to me to get close, and so I don’t.
There have been several women like her in my life; I am not in contact with any of them, and I do not plan on having anything other than–at most–electronic communication with them at any point in the future.
Feelings are not enough to make a functional, coherent relationship. Feelings are necessary, but are not the only thing. You can love someone completely, even recognizing all of their many, deep, and varied flaws, and that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be good or healthy for you. Or for them. Mistakes happen, and you hurt people. You can apologize and be a better person in the future, but you also can’t unwind the past.
I would strongly suggest that you work on your current relationship rather than revisiting something your past. There are some things you’ve said about your own tendency towards avoidance, and about your relationship with your wife, that lead me to think that perhaps you could use some help with communication and intimacy. That’s not a bad thing; relationships can almost always be improved. If you are certain that you want to resume contact with this person, I would, at a bare fucking minimum, set very strong and clear boundaries about what is and is not appropriate to talk about, and I would suggest that you should ensure that your wife be a part of this contact–which is to say, a chaperone–so that the risks of going to an inappropriate place are reduced.
