I agree that it’s healthy to experiment. At four years old, I was a “boy” whenever I played Peter Pan. And as a teen, I happened to go through a rather butch phase when I could easily be confused for a boy. I’m thankful that my parents weren’t at all hung up on gender conformity, and neither was the community.

But if parents make a big deal out of changing a kid’s name and pronouns and clothing, and swapping all the gender-stereotypical toys of one gender for another, and joining pride groups and making it a central part of the family’s identity … I think that creates a LOT of pressure for that child to continue in a trans identity (even though it’s pretty unlikely their toddler was actually trans to begin with).

Why not dress however you like, play with whatever toys you like, but hold off on the assumption that gender non-conformity = transgender child? Or hold off on trying to “teach” these concepts to a little person who’s perfectly content just eating dirt and playing tag?

My nephew right now is two and a half and pretty oblivious of gender. He shows no objection with being referred to with male pronouns, and yet his daycare teachers refuse to use he/him pronouns until he “comes out as cis” (in the meantime, all children are “they”). The parents in this community also fly flags and post messages like “trans children are sacred” and “bless the queer kids” constantly. It might sound lovely, and it’s meant to be inclusive … but children are quick to pick up on favoritism and which kids are considered special. In addition to that general sentiment, if parents keep asking, “Are you a boy or a girl? It’s ok if you feel like a girl, sweetie” … then eventually kids will parrot back whatever terms they hear, or whatever they think will earn a positive response. (Case in point: if you ask my nephew in an enthusiastic voice, he may confirm his identity as “cat” and “dog” and “cement mixer”.)

In short: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Don’t create complexity where there wasn’t any before.

My guess is that in the vast majority of cases, adults who officially “transition” their very young children are simply projecting their own desire for ally-ship. And my main gripe remains: if teachers and counselors continue to conflate gender non-conformity with transgenderism, then clearly they aren’t qualified to “teach” what it is in the first place. Let boys in dresses and girls with short hair be just that, without probing for more.