There is no happiness. I don’t know what it is. I’ve always been unhappy. I’ve always just grasped at straws, taking whatever’s being offered.
Allowing people to walk over me while I had to measure every word. It’s no abuse, it’s just power. The one who needs the other one less is more powerful. And I’m never a person others need.
I don’t have friends anymore. The last two left two months ago. We had a fight about keeping appointments. I was frustrated and the job situation was bad so I told a friend he’s a spiritual woman. I didn’t mean it in a misogynistic way. Just that as a gay bottom man he relates to people and things in a more feminine way.
Well he was really offended. He said it was violence and abuse. He sent me a long message recontextualizing the last few years as abuse (mine of him).
Also he confirmed everything I knew about myself. That people only tolerate me, that nobody really likes spending time with me, that they’re better off when I’m not around.
All true. I don’t blame him for leaving. I can be difficult. I just wish that maybe he’d given me the respectful consideration of the ending the friendship by being more and more unavailable. Instead the very dramatic way it happened. But it’s clear I don’t deserve even such social conventions.
My fellow human, you’re either depressed, and you should seek help, it will do you great good, or you should start looking into some personal growth wisdom.
Both aren’t easy paths, but they’re well worth it.
I have medication, I am not suicidal, I go to work everyday, I clean my apartment, I feed my cat. I’m not some kind of a burned out wreck living in filth. I am depressed, but that’s just how it is. I’ve made a lot of bad choices in life, with friends, in my career, and now I’m stuck here without a way out.
Personal growth is an illusion, we are who we are. It’s all determined. You can say it’s God or that it’s a deterministic universe but it’s all the same.
Depression isn’t equal to all the things you compared it to, and saying that none of us can change no matter how hard we try, maybe shows that you’re the first obstacle to it.
Well if you guys have been friends for years, then hopefully that’s not something that can break over night. It can be worth trying to salvaging that. He could just be saying that in a moment where he felt emotional, then sobered up a few days feeling regretful and cruel. It’s worth reaching out to see if he’d like to keep talking. Fights between friends is normal, and patching it up is even more important. Some people can’t even maintain friends for years like you did, that’s an important skill on its own. And yeah, all I can do is relate to the last stuff cuz I’m also struggling feeling that way. I have friends, but am in a complicated situation where I can’t be with the girl I’m in love with, and she doesn’t feel the same way, but I’m with her 8 hours pretty much every day so it’s pretty painful. I also lost a promotion to a guy I really hate and have to work under him now, so I need to figure out how to navigate that as well this week. Swallowing your ego and going about things is really hard, ya know. I think we’re both going through that.
I don’t know. I switch between being really angry at him for sending me that message in the middle of an episode and for almost crafting it on purpose to hit every fear he knows I have. But it’s important to know that not everything he wrote is bullshit. I can be really difficult to bear when I feel bad, I am prone to saying horrible things like that I’ll put myself into conversion therapy for being gay.
And I switch from anger to bargaining, thinking that there might be some proper combination of words I could say to him where he’ll take me back. But I don’t think so, the tone was very final. There wasn’t even a “good luck” it was just “I’ve had enough, goodbye.” He also made it clear that he believes there was no friendship between us for a long time and he was only tolerating me.
I really think there is nothing to salvage. And what kind of a relationship is that, anyway? Where I’m reduced to begging? Even if he would restart a relationship with me, that’s just a recipe for more resentment down the line.
There is no happiness. I don’t know what it is. I’ve always been unhappy. I’ve always just grasped at straws, taking whatever’s being offered.
Allowing people to walk over me while I had to measure every word. It’s no abuse, it’s just power. The one who needs the other one less is more powerful. And I’m never a person others need.
I don’t have friends anymore. The last two left two months ago. We had a fight about keeping appointments. I was frustrated and the job situation was bad so I told a friend he’s a spiritual woman. I didn’t mean it in a misogynistic way. Just that as a gay bottom man he relates to people and things in a more feminine way.
Well he was really offended. He said it was violence and abuse. He sent me a long message recontextualizing the last few years as abuse (mine of him).
Also he confirmed everything I knew about myself. That people only tolerate me, that nobody really likes spending time with me, that they’re better off when I’m not around.
All true. I don’t blame him for leaving. I can be difficult. I just wish that maybe he’d given me the respectful consideration of the ending the friendship by being more and more unavailable. Instead the very dramatic way it happened. But it’s clear I don’t deserve even such social conventions.
My fellow human, you’re either depressed, and you should seek help, it will do you great good, or you should start looking into some personal growth wisdom.
Both aren’t easy paths, but they’re well worth it.
I have medication, I am not suicidal, I go to work everyday, I clean my apartment, I feed my cat. I’m not some kind of a burned out wreck living in filth. I am depressed, but that’s just how it is. I’ve made a lot of bad choices in life, with friends, in my career, and now I’m stuck here without a way out.
Personal growth is an illusion, we are who we are. It’s all determined. You can say it’s God or that it’s a deterministic universe but it’s all the same.
Depression isn’t equal to all the things you compared it to, and saying that none of us can change no matter how hard we try, maybe shows that you’re the first obstacle to it.
I wish you luck and for things to get better.
Well if you guys have been friends for years, then hopefully that’s not something that can break over night. It can be worth trying to salvaging that. He could just be saying that in a moment where he felt emotional, then sobered up a few days feeling regretful and cruel. It’s worth reaching out to see if he’d like to keep talking. Fights between friends is normal, and patching it up is even more important. Some people can’t even maintain friends for years like you did, that’s an important skill on its own. And yeah, all I can do is relate to the last stuff cuz I’m also struggling feeling that way. I have friends, but am in a complicated situation where I can’t be with the girl I’m in love with, and she doesn’t feel the same way, but I’m with her 8 hours pretty much every day so it’s pretty painful. I also lost a promotion to a guy I really hate and have to work under him now, so I need to figure out how to navigate that as well this week. Swallowing your ego and going about things is really hard, ya know. I think we’re both going through that.
I don’t know. I switch between being really angry at him for sending me that message in the middle of an episode and for almost crafting it on purpose to hit every fear he knows I have. But it’s important to know that not everything he wrote is bullshit. I can be really difficult to bear when I feel bad, I am prone to saying horrible things like that I’ll put myself into conversion therapy for being gay.
And I switch from anger to bargaining, thinking that there might be some proper combination of words I could say to him where he’ll take me back. But I don’t think so, the tone was very final. There wasn’t even a “good luck” it was just “I’ve had enough, goodbye.” He also made it clear that he believes there was no friendship between us for a long time and he was only tolerating me.
I really think there is nothing to salvage. And what kind of a relationship is that, anyway? Where I’m reduced to begging? Even if he would restart a relationship with me, that’s just a recipe for more resentment down the line.