Hi! I’m Marvin (well here I am Marvin, most people know me under different names), named after a depressed Robot with an immense intellect.
I didn’t choose the name because of my intellect…
I’m getting paid pretty badly for being a sysadmin (but I don’t deal with glasspanes or fruits. Only penguins).
In my free time I sometimes code (mostly python, some webdev stuff, sometimes a little bit Rust), once in a blue moon strum some things on my guitar,go climbing, do some shitty woodworking and loads of other stuff. I think I might have ADHD because it’s hard for me to focus on most things and my interest in stuff quickly dwindles. That’s why I have loads of unfinished projects or ideas lying around.
I love metal music.
I’m pretty shy and suffer from social anxiety. I’ve been single most of my life and am kind of a loner.
The two times I’ve been in relationships were pretty abusive and left me yearning for death, a feeling I had throughout most of my childhood. I think talking to people I find attractive was hard before all that but it feels like nowadays it’s impossible. Also I have no clue how to tell if someone is interested in me. I never was. Only in hindsight.
I’m pretty lonely but too scared to do anything about it.
I’ve been clean and sober for almost 6 years now. Which doesn’t help in getting to know people. I know was way more talkative and outgoing when I drank. But I could never stop when I started.
Im in my midthirties and to be honest I still feel like the last years of school were the best time of my life.
I’ve been through a lot of therapy, which helped me a lot with my confidence and to deal with my thoughts and feelings. I’m a lot better than I’ve.been most of my life but life still sucks most of the time.
Here is something I could never tell anybody IRL: even though my life is pretty good right now and I have not had any suicidal thoughts in a long time I am pretty sure that I will be the one to end my life. It won’t be in the forseeable future but I can’t see myself getting old on this rotten planet with so many rotten peaople.
Sorry to be such a downer but it feels great to be honest. And that’s something that is really hard for me. Especially to people I care about and that includes myself :)
Hope you all are living your best life out there!
And as some pretty awesome musicians said: Rock on! And be excellent to each other!
a depressed guitar-playing sysadmin who identifies with marvin the martian… I was like “wait is this my dad?” Well he he retired now.
FWIW he has managed to get old (2x your age) and even though I had a somewhat strange childhood I wouldn’t choose a different parent even if I could. A lot of people I know who had “normal” parents suffered a lot at their hands in ways that were not even conceivable to me. He didn’t get any kind of therapy til more recently and it has vastly improved things for him and those around him.
I’m one of few in the world who know him and he is one of my favorite people.
I’m sorry to hear you’re that depressed and the future looks so dark. I was once exactly where you are, and had been for decades. If your therapist can put you on something to quell anxiety, use that opportunity to try baby steps that feel safe and mingle with the humans. Maybe a cooking class, or a trail hiking group; the focus is not on conversation but you can practice little by little. You will fail, but they’ll be small failures, and eventually you will get a win. You can even discuss and craft the plan with your therapist and come back next week to talk about how the meetup / interest group / class went. Another thing, be very selective about whom you call ‘friend’. Don’t connect with people who don’t build you up. There -is- a way out, and you can proceed safely at your own pace. Bestest of luck.
Trigger Warnings: depression, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts
Reader discretion is advised.
Hi! I’m Marvin (well here I am Marvin, most people know me under different names), named after a depressed Robot with an immense intellect. I didn’t choose the name because of my intellect…
I’m getting paid pretty badly for being a sysadmin (but I don’t deal with glasspanes or fruits. Only penguins).
In my free time I sometimes code (mostly python, some webdev stuff, sometimes a little bit Rust), once in a blue moon strum some things on my guitar,go climbing, do some shitty woodworking and loads of other stuff. I think I might have ADHD because it’s hard for me to focus on most things and my interest in stuff quickly dwindles. That’s why I have loads of unfinished projects or ideas lying around.
I love metal music.
I’m pretty shy and suffer from social anxiety. I’ve been single most of my life and am kind of a loner.
The two times I’ve been in relationships were pretty abusive and left me yearning for death, a feeling I had throughout most of my childhood. I think talking to people I find attractive was hard before all that but it feels like nowadays it’s impossible. Also I have no clue how to tell if someone is interested in me. I never was. Only in hindsight.
I’m pretty lonely but too scared to do anything about it.
I’ve been clean and sober for almost 6 years now. Which doesn’t help in getting to know people. I know was way more talkative and outgoing when I drank. But I could never stop when I started.
Im in my midthirties and to be honest I still feel like the last years of school were the best time of my life.
I’ve been through a lot of therapy, which helped me a lot with my confidence and to deal with my thoughts and feelings. I’m a lot better than I’ve.been most of my life but life still sucks most of the time.
Here is something I could never tell anybody IRL: even though my life is pretty good right now and I have not had any suicidal thoughts in a long time I am pretty sure that I will be the one to end my life. It won’t be in the forseeable future but I can’t see myself getting old on this rotten planet with so many rotten peaople.
Sorry to be such a downer but it feels great to be honest. And that’s something that is really hard for me. Especially to people I care about and that includes myself :)
Hope you all are living your best life out there!
And as some pretty awesome musicians said: Rock on! And be excellent to each other!
a depressed guitar-playing sysadmin who identifies with marvin the martian… I was like “wait is this my dad?” Well he he retired now.
FWIW he has managed to get old (2x your age) and even though I had a somewhat strange childhood I wouldn’t choose a different parent even if I could. A lot of people I know who had “normal” parents suffered a lot at their hands in ways that were not even conceivable to me. He didn’t get any kind of therapy til more recently and it has vastly improved things for him and those around him.
I’m one of few in the world who know him and he is one of my favorite people.
I’m sorry to hear you’re that depressed and the future looks so dark. I was once exactly where you are, and had been for decades. If your therapist can put you on something to quell anxiety, use that opportunity to try baby steps that feel safe and mingle with the humans. Maybe a cooking class, or a trail hiking group; the focus is not on conversation but you can practice little by little. You will fail, but they’ll be small failures, and eventually you will get a win. You can even discuss and craft the plan with your therapist and come back next week to talk about how the meetup / interest group / class went. Another thing, be very selective about whom you call ‘friend’. Don’t connect with people who don’t build you up. There -is- a way out, and you can proceed safely at your own pace. Bestest of luck.