We all have those moments where we think back on something we did and cringe at it. Over the past year though I’ve begun to do it almost every waking moment.

I began to say to myself in my head “fuuuuuck fuck fuck fuck” and “I want to die” and eventually I started to mutter it under my breath. Now I’m starting to just blurt it out without thinking at inappropriate moments. It’s probably only a matter of time before that gets me in trouble. I know my wife has heard me before and now she doesn’t ask what’s wrong, she just looks at me.

It’s gotten to the point too where it doesn’t start with the memory of an action but while I’m still performing the action or in a conversation.

I don’t really want to die, probably. But this shit is weird. Am I going crazy? I’m worried that soon I will be paralyzed and unable to act or interact at all. Maybe I’m already there, who knows.