WASHINGTON—Following hours of meetings with lawmakers to try to shore up U.S. support for his country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly grabbed whatever office supplies he could get his hands on in the Capitol Thursday, saying he needed them for war. “We really need a bunch of these staplers for the war effort,” said the Ukrainian leader, snatching up dozens of black Swingline staplers and adding them to a growing armful of paper clips, tape dispensers, and rubber bands that he had already swiped from Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer’s desk as they wrapped up a private conversation earlier this afternoon. “We’re nearing the two-year mark in this war with no major breakthroughs and a vast deficit in printer paper that is quickly being depleted by all the, uh, war plans and stuff. That’s why we need your continued financial support, as well as any of these binder clips you have lying around, to clamp onto Russian forces. Look, our brave men are on the front lines as we speak, fighting for their lives and their country without stacks of manila folders they can stand on to get a better view of the enemy. But with your help, and this half-empty bottle of nondairy powdered creamer, we may stand a chance after all.” At press time, Zelensky admitted he stole the extra toilet paper rolls from the bathroom because it would be super annoying to stop at the store on his way home.
Anytime I hear him speaking English I am unsure whether or not he really is a Ukrainian or just the most successful French con man in all of history, cause he sounds like he will steal the declaration of independence and replace it with a baguette
He’s MacGyvering the ultimate weapon.
Haha, lets make fun of the hero doing everything in his power to ward off an evil aggressor
I support him and Ukraine 100%, but this is still funny.
Fair enough
Hes going to need stationary at his house in Florida when he becomes a government in exile.
Pretty much zero chance Russia is evicting the Ukrainian government at this point.
What makes you think that’s likely?
Or wait, are you just Onioning?
Or will you decide which it is later?
I’m sure this stationary will be a game changer
Whoops I guess The Onion must be Russian propaganda now!
Chernobyl Jon Wick needs Pencils.
There’s probably a few stamps with swastikas on them, they’ll be appreciated at home
God I hate Hexbear.
It’s gotta get annoying after a while… Surely, like I’m trying to imagine how it’d be having a cock and balls hanging off my forehead, slinging about, getting in the way when I try to blow my nose, fuck that… More power to you.
WTF is up with Hexbear users?
god do I have to clarify basic facts again…
and
pictures are handy things
Right. Hexbear is Russian propaganda. Got it.
these-
mf these are your sources
New york times, all that bourgeoisie media you love
Imma need to take a step back because apparently Putin did a media coup of all western news outlets and I wasn’t told
Historical materialism
Bootlicker
Imagine thinking Russians aren’t the Nazis lol